


Love Sick

by coldfusion9797



Category: Home and Away
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Forgiveness, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Therapy, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-14 13:31:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 38,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16493495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldfusion9797/pseuds/coldfusion9797
Summary: Colby struggles to deal with Dean's rejection. Sequel to Confession of Pain.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here it is. This is my Dean/Colby epic. I've been playing with these boys for a while now, and I finally decided to give them the attention they deserve. And yes, this is a sequel because I'm a sap. I couldn't leave my boys like that. Dean and Colby have a long way to go, but maybe with some work they can find their way back to each other, and maybe even to some happiness. This story is pretty heavy, and tackles a few issues that may be triggers. Eating disorders, anxiety, child abuse. It involves therapy sessions and hospital visits and I don't pretend to be an expert on any of it. I've tried to make it as accurate and respectful as possible, but it is fanfiction, so there is a need for creative licence as well. This story is all but written, so rest assured if you begin reading, you will get to finish. Anyway, enough from me. I hope you all like this one, it's been a rollercoaster to write. Enjoy!

"Hey, Thorne. You wanna grab some lunch?" Murray asked. Colby looked up at the other cop.

"Nah, I'm good, thanks. Got a lot of paperwork to get through."

"Cool," Murray shrugged, heading off.

Colby sighed. It was exhausting, pretending he was okay all the time, and trying to find excuses to avoid things. Like socialising and eating. He never felt hungry anymore, and the only thing worse than smiling when he didn't mean it, was trying to shove food down when he had no appetite.

He grabbed the next ticket from the top of the pile. Processing traffic violations was the dullest part of police work, but right now he'd take it. Anything was better than the alternative, because when he wasn't distracted there was only one thing on his mind, and to think about that was a different kind of painful. It was the kind that left him with an unbearable ache in his chest.

\---

He ran into Willow outside the diner. He'd been doing his best to avoid anyone who might ask questions, and she was top of that list. She knew him and... Well, she knew them better than anyone.

"Colby? Are you okay?" she asked, frowning up at him with concern. He knew he must look like shit, so there was no point pretending he didn't. The why though, he could dodge that.

"Just tired. I've been working some extra shifts lately." It wasn't even a lie. Anything to get his mind off what had happened.

She took a few seconds more to study him, but thankfully seemed to decide he was telling the truth.

"Okay. Well take care of yourself."

"I will," he answered, forcing a smile. He just had to get up these stairs, and in the door, and then he could let go.

\---

Willow had that look on her face.

"Now what?" Dean asked, as they picked up litter in the dunes. She may as well get it out of her system because God knew she couldn't let anything go.

"I saw Colby earlier."

"So?" Dean snapped. It wasn't like he needed to know Colby's business. They weren't anything to each other. Not anymore.

"I'm worried about him, Dean," she insisted. "He looks awful."

Well Dean wouldn't know anything about that, he'd made a point to avoid his former best mate since that night.

"He managed just fine without us before."

"Don't be like that. I thought you two were getting along."

He just shrugged. He didn't have to explain himself to her, and he had no idea what he would say anyway.

"Seriously though, do you know about anything that could be bothering him?"

"The shop ran out of his favourite hair spray? He probably uses a can and a half a day."

"Dean..." she chided. Fair enough, none of it was a joke.

"How should I know? I'm not his keeper. Can we just get back to work?"

She gave him one of those thoughtful looks. She wasn't buying it, but she didn't have to as long as she dropped it.

"Alright fine," she said. "I guess it's none of my business. But he's your friend, Dean. You should check on him."

"Maybe I will," he lied.

\---

Bloody Willow. What'd she have to go and say something like that for? As if this wasn't hard enough. It wasn't like he'd ever wanted to be on the outs with his best mate. And even if Colby was having a rough time, wasn't that the whole point of it? To show him how shitty it felt.

So Willow wanted him to check up on Colby, but he couldn't. He had to stay strong. Like Colby. Seven years without a word. Dean couldn't give up after a week or two. He owed this to himself. Anyway, he wasn't delusional enough to think that this was really about him. If Colby was struggling, it wasn't because they were apart, it was because he'd had his apology thrown back in his face. He'd wanted to ease his guilty conscience and Dean hadn't let him. It wasn't like Colby missed him. They all knew that Colby could get by just fine on his own.

\---

He tried to sleep, wanted to sleep, just to escape the torment for a little while. But that night kept playing over and over in his head relentlessly, keeping him awake with thoughts of 'if only' and 'what if'.

_Who knows what we might have been._

Did Dean really mean that? Or had he just said it to mess with Colby's head? If so, it was working.

Part of him wanted to believe that this was all a misunderstanding, that they could work it out. But a bigger part, the smarter realist part, knew that they were done. Dean hadn't been messing around. He'd taken charge, controlled the whole thing, done it all his way. Except, they'd done it face to face. At Colby's request. Did that mean anything? At the time he'd felt so connected to Dean, was certain Dean felt it too. He could hardly believe he'd read it so wrong, but Dean leaving him alone was all the answer he needed. Wasn't it? Dean was making a point. A brutal one. It really sucked to be abandoned. To be left hanging without any answers. That was still the part that hurt the most, knowing he'd twisted Dean into this vindictive person.

He'd done so much damage already, knew he should leave Dean alone, had done that so far. But being apart from him was agony, now that they'd spent some time together and he remembered what it was like to be around him, to see those cheeky grins, feel that sense of peace when Dean was close. It couldn't just be him, surely Dean must've felt it too.

And thinking back to that night, there were moments. Moments when he thought they'd really connected, that Dean had wanted it too. Maybe he was kidding himself, let's just be together, but Dean had definitely softened, hadn't he? When his guard had come down a little, shown that underneath the anger, he still cared. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. But shouldn't he have walked out as soon as they were done if it was all about revenge? Why stay and risk not waking up in time to go?

Maybe he needed to reach out, get some answers to these questions. He was gonna go completely crazy if he didn't. And what did he have to lose?

He grabbed his phone. 2:34. What should he say? The truth seemed like a good place to start.

He must've started a dozen messages- apologies, explanations, requests (not that Dean owed him anything)- but none of it seemed right. In the end his sleep-deprived brain could only come up with three simple and honest words.

**I miss you**

It felt good in some tiny way, to get a fraction of what he was feeling out of his system.

It felt like he'd been asleep for five minutes when the alarm went off. He probably had. And the second he woke, his thoughts landed back on that night. On Dean.

He checked his phone. Nothing. And it stayed that way.

\---

Great, just how he wanted to start the day. A message from Colby. What pearl of wisdom had he come up with this time?

**I miss you**

He started to type 'now you know how it feels' but he deleted it. That was just petty. What was happening between them was too big to be reduced to that.

Besides, when Colby had run off, Dean had missed him, but he hadn't had the option to send a text. For seven years he'd missed him, and Colby had barely made it through seven days. Why should he have any relief?

And it was a joke really, three measly words. What could they do?

Dean didn't need this, and he wasn't gonna let Colby influence his life anymore. So he deleted the message and got on with his day.


	2. Chapter 2

He was so tired. So, so tired. But he needed to keep moving.

"Are you alright, Senior Constable?" McCarthy questioned with a frown. He was getting that look a lot lately.

"Yeah, Sarge. I'm fine," he lied. He didn't wanna be sent home, too much time to think.

"You're sure?"

"Yes. Totally fit for duty."

"Well alright. Go with Murray. I need you at the surf club. John Palmer is complaining about some undesirables hanging around."

Undesirables. He hated that. That's what people used to say about him and... Well about kids who were hanging around, not because they were looking for trouble, but because they were too scared to go home.

"When isn't that bloke having a whinge?"

McCarthy gave him a stern look.

"Sure thing, Sarge," Colby corrected.

He grabbed his gear and they headed out.

"You all good?" Murray said, glancing over at him from the driver's seat.

"Don't you start. I've already had McCarthy on my arse this morning."

"Then maybe there's something to it."

"I'm fine, alright? Let's just focus on work."

They arrived at the surf club to find John Palmer in a flap over nothing as usual.

"See these kids? They've been hanging around here all morning."

Murray wandered over to chat to them, while Colby hung back to talk to Palmer.

"It's the school holidays," he pointed out.

"Well yeah, but what are they doing?"

"Hanging out with their mates?"

"I don't like them being here without a reason."

"Look," he snapped. "There isn't actually a crime here. Maybe... you need to..." he said, trailing off because he couldn't remember where he was going with that. Wow, the sun was really bright today.

"Constable?" Palmer said.

"Yeah?" he frowned, but he didn't hear the reply. Everything was blurry, and wobbly, and maybe if he just sat down for a minute... Then everything went white and he didn't remember anything after that.

\---

"Hey," Ryder said, when Dean rocked up at the surf club for community service. "Did you see the ambulance here earlier?"

"Nah." What did he care about some random getting hauled off to hospital? He had problems of his own.

"Cops too."

The kid clearly wanted a bite.

"What happened?" Dean asked.

"John called the cops on some kids. Then next thing you know, one of the cops is getting put in the back of an ambulance. Guess it got a bit out of hand."

"Who?"

"The kids?"

"No, the cop. Was it Colby?"

"Umm, actually I think it might have been."

"Shit..." Dean took off. Police work was dangerous, Colby's dad had been killed on the job. What would he do if...

"Hey, where are you going?" Ryder called after him.

To the place he should have been all along.

\---

"What happened, Doc?" Dean demanded. "Is he okay? They said he got hurt on the job?"

"Not exactly," Justin's sister Tori said. "Are you his next of kin?"

"I'm the closet thing he's got to family here. Please, Doc."

"Well he was at work, but he's not injured. He collapsed from exhaustion and dehydration."

"What?" That didn't sound like Colby, he was a big bloke and had an appetite. He kept pretty fit by surfing and for the job. Though come to think of it, it had been pretty easy avoiding him at the beach...

"His colleagues said he's been withdrawn, skipping meals. Do you know if there's anything bothering him? Anything that could help us get to the bottom of what caused this and help him?"

Anything bothering him? Like a night of love confessions, amazing sex, and having it all ripped out from under him?

"No," Dean lied. "Can I see him?"

"Sure," Tori agreed. "He's asleep now but it might be nice for him to see a friendly face when he wakes up."

\---

It wasn't the first time he'd been perched beside Colby's hospital bed since he'd come back. He'd spent whole nights here when Colby had been poisoned, punished for a good deed, for saving Dean's life. That was when they'd first really reconnected, when Colby had risked his career to save him. Shot that Eastern scum dead. And Dean had had to accept that maybe Colby did still care about him on some level.

He slipped his hand around Colby's. If this was because of him... He'd never meant for it to go this far.

"Dean." It was Willow. He pulled his hand away from Colby's and turned to her. She looked like she'd run here all the way from the gym. "What happened?"

"He passed out. They said he's exhausted or something."

"I told you to check on him. Did you?"

He shook his head.

"Dean! Now look!"

"Yeah, I know. Alright? Lay off," he deflected, he didn't need to hear that he'd screwed up. Again. As if he didn't know that.

"Sorry," she said, resting her hand on his knee to stop it bouncing. It was a nervous tell he had, and she knew that. They were both worried.

They sat in silence for a while, waiting for Colby to come to. Dean didn't know what he was gonna say, all he knew was that he hated being in this position again. He might've been angry with Colby, might not trust him anymore, but he didn't wanna see him like this. Maybe punishing him had been taking it too far. What if Colby meant what he said? What if he really was in love? He'd said so. And he'd stepped up a couple of times since he'd been back. Risked himself to help Dean. Maybe Dean was throwing away a good thing because he was scared.

"Will?" he said softly.

"Yeah?" she said, looking at him with concern. She was a good mate. He was glad she was here, he needed a friend.

"I think I messed up."

\---

When Colby blinked awake, heard the beep, smelled the disinfectant, he knew where he was. He'd spent too much time here already this year. He was in hospital. But then he turned his head, and he wasn't so sure, because Dean was there. That couldn't be right, Dean hated him, he must be dreaming.

He closed his eyes again, willing the tormenting vision away. Anyway, why would he be in hospital? He wasn't sick...

"Colby."

That was Dean's voice. He turned and looked again to find Dean gazing back at him, green eyes full of concern. Could this really be happening?

"Dean?"

"Yeah, mate. I'm here," Dean assured, offering him a tentative smile. And it was too much.

He couldn't stop the sob escaping him, or the tears that began to fall. He'd honestly believed Dean was done with him, but to see him sitting here, looking so worried. Well it meant that maybe there was something left to salvage from the wreck of their relationship. Maybe he hadn't broken Dean after all.

\---

He had never seen Colby cry like this, not as an adult, and honestly, he had no idea what to do. It had been a long time since they were close.

"Hey, mate. Come on, it's okay," he tried to soothe, but if anything his attempt at comforting seemed to make it worse.

He racked his brain, how had he soothed Colby back when they were kids and his stepdad got too much? Well one thing he remembered was Colby sneaking in the window and curling up in bed with him.

Colby might be in the hospital, but he wasn't hurt, he was just tired. So Dean figured stuff it, and he climbed onto the bed, pulling Colby into his arms. It was a tight fit, but it had been like that when they were kids too.

"I'm here, nothing can hurt you now," he said, just like he used to.

Colby curled into him and let himself be held.

Someone must have heard them because pretty soon Tori appeared. She looked pretty worried, Dean knew how she felt. But she was a professional, so she strode over to the bed and spoke in a quiet, authoritative voice.

"Colby? It's Tori. Do you know where you are?"

"The hospital," he sniffed, still clinging to Dean.

"And do you know why you're here?"

Colby shook his head.

"I don't remember."

"That's okay," she smiled kindly. "What do you remember?"

Colby turned a nervous look up at Dean, but Dean didn't think he had any reason to be scared of Tori.

"It's okay, Colbs. Talk to her."

Colby shook his head again.

"Dean, maybe you should hop down," Tori suggested. Well, she was the doctor.

It didn't make any difference though, Colby wasn't talking.

Dean shared a look with the doctor. He didn't need a medical degree to figure out that this was more than needing a bit of sleep.

\---

Dean was on his way in to see Colby, he hung back though when he spotted a blue uniform in the room. He stayed close enough to listen in though.

"So, this is fit for duty?" It was the old sergeant, sounding like he was here to give Colby a hard time. Dean had half a mind to tell him to get lost, but he really couldn't afford to get into any more trouble. Plus, Colby probably wouldn't appreciate it much. "You're being stood down, effective immediately, pending full medical clearance and psych eval."

There was something wrong with this picture, besides the obvious, and that was lack of reply. Colby should be angry about this, fighting back. His career was important to him.

"Well," the sergeant concluded. "I just wanted to let you know. We'll be in touch about the clearances. Take care of yourself, Thorne."

Dean waited for the older cop to leave, then he headed in.

"Hey, Colbs. How's it going?"

"You hear that?"

"Um, yeah. Lousy break."

"It doesn't really matter."

Dean hated seeing Colby like this.

"Of course it does. Your job is important to you."

Colby gave him a miserable look.

"It used to be." That was all he said, but what Colby's eyes were saying was that Dean was the only thing that mattered now. It was a lot of pressure, being responsible for someone else's happiness.

"What do you want from me?" Dean snapped.

He couldn't just give in and be with Colby. He cared about him, wanted him to be okay, but he didn't trust him enough to start a relationship.

"I don't know..." Colby said, hiding his face in his hands. That made two of them.

"Look, let's just concentrate on getting you out of here and back on the job. Yeah? Then we'll deal with the rest."

Thankfully, Colby seemed to be okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I just wanna say, whatever you are going through, things can and do get better. If you need help, ask for it. If you don't know who to ask, go to your doctor. I promise you they have dealt with this before, will listen without judgement, and will know what steps you need to take next.


	3. Chapter 3

This was too big, he needed advice.

"Will, you know how I said I messed up?"

"Yeah?"

"I did something. And I think I lost Colby his job because of it."

"They sacked him?"

"No, but he's gotta do this whole shrink thing before he can go back. What if he doesn't pass?"

"Colby isn't crazy. Or do you know why he's like this? What exactly did you do?"

"You remember when them kids went to Simpson Lane? And we saved them?"

"Yeah..."

"Well me and Colby went back there after. I guess it stirred some old stuff up. Anyway, things got a bit heated, and I told him off for leaving me."

"Dean..." she groaned.

"I know, alright. Anyway, he said the reason he did it..." Shit, could he really tell her this? He had to, how else were they gonna help Colby?

"Go on..." she encouraged, resting a hand on his knee to still the movement.

"He said he couldn't come back because he loved me. Because if he did, he would have had to stay and lost his shot at being a cop."

She looked too shocked to speak. So he just carried on before he lost the nerve to do this.

"And I kinda lost it. We hooked up, and then in the morning I got outta there. I guess I just wanted him to know how it felt."

"Jesus Dean..."

"I know. I didn't believe him. I mean, you don't leave someone you love dying in a car wreck or to rot in prison alone. But now? Well, he hasn't been the same since. I don't know how to fix it."

"You two, honestly. I've never seen two people get under each other's skin more. Do you feel the same?"

"What?"

"As Colby? Do you love him?"

Trust Willow not to beat around the bush. Anyway, he'd never really thought about it, hadn't been able to get past the trust issue, so it didn't matter.

"I want him to be okay."

"That's not what I asked."

Honestly, he didn't know. There was a lot between them and it was hard to sort through all the baggage and know what was real.

"It doesn't matter. I don't trust him, so it's not gonna happen. But I wanna fix the rest of it. Help him get his job back."

She gave him a thoughtful look, something brewing in that crafty brain of hers.

"Okay. First things first then, I guess we better make sure he gets home alright from hospital today."

\---

Now that he'd had a bit of time to think it all through, Colby was embarrassed. He was like some wilting heroine in a classic romance novel, dying of a broken heart. It was pathetic. That didn't mean he was over it, probably never would be, but he could definitely have handled the whole situation better.

He was waiting for his discharge go ahead from Tori. He was probably going to have to wear his uniform home, because those were the clothes he was admitted in. That would be awkward if anyone approached him and he had to explain he was off duty.

He expected the shadow in the doorway to be the doctor, but instead it was Dean and Willow who appeared.

"Brought you some stuff," Dean said, chucking an overnight bag on the bed. Looking into Dean's eyes, he could see it, the pity, and that was the last thing he wanted. He didn't want Dean to feel sorry for him, he wanted Dean to love him.

"How are you feeling?" Willow asked.

"Fine," he answered, because physically it was true.

"Okay..." Tori said as she strode into the room, checking his chart. "You're all good to go, Colby. Get some rest, plenty of fluids, and we'll see you in a few days for your assessments."

"Thanks," he said, taking the appointment card from her.

She looked around at all of them, Dean and Willow waiting patiently for him, and then gave Colby a smile.

"You've got some good friends here. Don't be afraid to talk to them."

If only she knew the half of it.

"I won't," he smiled back to appease her, letting it drop as soon as she left the room. All he wanted to do was get out of here and be alone.

"She's right, you know," Willow offered.

"Yeah, mate," Dean agreed. "We're here."

Well that might have been nice a week ago. But that wasn't really fair, and he wasn't exactly mad at Dean, he was just fed up with the whole situation. Life had never been easy, and it was looking like it never would be. Why couldn't they all just catch a break? Surely they'd suffered enough already.

\---

"So listen," Willow said, leaning into the front seat of Dean's car between them. "Cards on the table. Dean told me."

"Put your seatbelt on," Colby told her, simultaneously shooting Dean an annoyed look. "Do you guys even care that I'm a cop?"

"Not right now," she dismissed. "Just listen."

"Told you what?" Colby huffed.

"Everything," Dean supplied.

"Great," Colby sighed. Because he really needed everyone knowing how completely hopeless he was.

"It's okay," she said. "He only wanted to help, and so do I."

He really hoped they didn't mean that.

"Look, you guys have been great, but I can take it from here."

"Oh no you don't. You have not been taking care of yourself, and that's where we come in," she grinned.

"She's right, mate," Dean agreed, glancing over at him from the driver's seat.

"Which means," she said, leaning back and buckling up. "Before we take you home we have to hit the grocery store."

"Are you really gonna go along with this?" Colby asked Dean.

"She's the boss," Dean shrugged.

"Yes, I am," came Willow's smug reply.

"Well," Colby sighed, knowing when he'd been beat. "Looks like we're going shopping then."

\---

Willow with her gym experience had plenty of ideas about what he should and shouldn't be eating. Colby let her throw whatever she thought was good in the trolley, it wasn't like it made any difference to him, everything tasted like cardboard when you weren't hungry.

It was weird, being here like this with the two of them, with enough money to buy whatever they wanted. In the past, a visit to the store had usually involved five finger discounts, or snack runs for the boys funded by Braxton drug money.

And seeing as how they'd dragged him here, he might as well grab everything he needed. He hadn't bothered to shop since that night.

When he headed down the toiletry aisle, they both started to grin.

"What?" he said, chucking some hairspray in the trolley.

"Told ya," Dean grinned. Obviously, this had come up in conversation before.

"Seriously, you two need to find something better to do with your time."

"Like hang out in front of the mirror?" Dean joked.

"I seem to remember some serious effort going into bleach blonde curls," Colby reminded. That soon shut Dean up.

"Aww," Willow said, ruffling Colby's hair and giving them a fake pout. "I miss your long hair days. Dean's adorable little shoulder length 'do, and your epic ponytail."

"It was the fashion," Dean defended.

"We were young and stupid," Colby pointed out. The moment suddenly threatened to grow awkward, there were other things that had been done when they were young and stupid too, but Willow rescued it admirably, a mischievous grin lighting up her face, as she directed her comment at Dean.

"Maybe back when Heath was a teenager."

They'd all see the photos of Heath Braxton's Point Break days, and yeah, it was funny.

\---

They'd got Colby settled, made sure he knew their phones were always on, and finally left him to it when he'd insisted he could take care of himself. Dean didn't know about that, he'd done a pretty piss-poor job of it lately, but Robbo was there, so they'd left with the knowledge that Colby wouldn't be completely on his own.

That was yesterday. Dean was meeting up with Willow before community service, so they could call in on Colby beforehand.

"Hey Dean," she smiled in greeting, already waiting for him. She was a top chick and he was so glad not to have to deal with Colby alone. While ever there was a third person around, there was no expectation for them to deal with the whole 'love' thing.

"Hey Will."

"Did Colby get in touch with you last night?"

"Nah. You?"

"Nah. He better be okay."

They headed up to check.

It turned out Colby was fine, chilling on the couch watching a cop show.

"Getting some tips, mate?" Dean joked.

"I'd have been sacked ten times over already if I did half of what these people do," he said, flicking the telly off.

"You've still got your job," Willow reminded.

"For now..."

She frowned, but let it go.

"Have you had any lunch yet?"

"Not yet..."

"Colby, you can't skip meals. Me and Dean haven't had a chance to eat yet. Right, Dean?"

"Um, yeah," he lied, because she was doing that thing with her eyes that said he should.

"We'll eat with you," she decided, going for the fridge.

"You don't have to..." Colby began, stepping forward.

Dean stopped him and shook his head.

"Best to let her do her thing, mate."

Five minutes later they were sitting down to chicken and salad. Well, Dean figured two lunches were okay because this one was mostly rabbit food.

"How's community service going?" Colby asked, as he picked at his food. It was a little unnerving actually, to watch him chase a piece of lettuce around the plate three times before he put it in his mouth. Colby usually downed a whole pizza on his own.

"The worst part is putting up with John Palmer," Willow complained.

"Don't I know it," Colby sympathised.

"He's so annoying," she whinged. "Thinks his ideas are the only one's worth hearing."

"Yes!" Colby agreed, like he was happy to finally have found someone who shared his low opinion of the bloke.

This was actually kind of okay Dean thought, as he watched the two of them gossiping like a pair of old ladies. The three of them hanging out, just sort of being there for each other.

And when it was time to go, he felt a little better about the situation, and he knew telling Willow had been the right thing to do.

They were at the door when Colby called him back.

"Dean? Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Shit. He couldn't say no.

"I'll meet you downstairs," Willow offered.

"What's up?" Dean said, jamming his hands in his pockets. He couldn't do this now. Or ever for that matter.

"I wanted to say thank you."

Well, that wasn't so bad.

"It's as much Will as me."

"I mean for the hospital. For not leaving me to wake up alone."

Oh man, but that was exactly what he'd done to start this whole mess.

"Colbs..."

"Nah, it's okay. I don't blame you. I drove you to it. I get that now."

"It was still a shitty thing to do."

"It was," Colby agreed. But he didn't seem angry about it. Instead, he stuck out his hand.

Dean stared at it for a second, unsure what to do. Then he realised Colby was asking for a truce. He quickly pulled his hand out of his pocket, and slipped it into Colby's.

"Mates?" Colby said.

"Mates," Dean agreed.

They shook on it.

"Well," Dean said. "I better get going. Wouldn't want the pigs to come looking for me."

"Nah," Colby smiled. "You wouldn't want that."

"I'll see you later."

"Yeah," Colby said, "you will. I'm not going anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see the inspiration for those hair do's, check out Tim and Paddy's Instagrams. Hehe...


	4. Chapter 4

How hard could it be to fake his way through one appointment with a shrink? He'd conducted enough interviews of his own, not to mention classes at the academy, to know what were tells, and what they wanted to hear. All they needed to know was that he wasn't gonna freak out on the job or crack under pressure.

He walked into the doctor's office, making sure to appear confident.

"Senior Constable Thorne," she smiled, offering her hand.

"Colby's fine," he said, shaking it.

"Well in that case, I'm Rena. Please have a seat."

He settled down and took a deep breath. Of course being a cop was important to him, he'd just let his emotions override that for a minute. He had to get this right.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Isn't it in your notes?"

"It is," she said, fixing a pair of piercing blue eyes on him. "But I'd like to hear it from you."

"I fainted at work. I was tired. I'd been working extra shifts. That's all."

"The report says you were dehydrated too."

"It happens. I just got busy, I guess."

"But you're a police officer. You have to be alert on the job."

She had him there. He knew she was fishing, and he knew he was being evasive. The problem was that he couldn't avoid this, she knew exactly what had happened.

"Look, I was dealing with some personal stuff. It's sorted now. It won't happen again."

"I hope not. When you say 'personal stuff', what are you referring to?"

Now this is where he had to be careful. McCarthy would hit the roof if he found out that Colby had feelings for Dean, never mind being in love with him. For that he could probably kiss his career goodbye.

"I guess you could say I had a fight with my best mate. But we've sorted it now. We're okay."

"What was the fight about?"

God, she was relentless.

"The past. I let him down and he finally decided to let me know just how bad."

"You blame yourself?"

"Not unjustly, it was literally my fault. I walked away, severed all ties. We've only recently reconnected."

"What's his name?"

"Dean. Thompson. You read the newspaper?"

"Sometimes. Why?"

"You might have seen me on the front page. When my 'gang affiliations' were made public. It was ridiculous of course, the River Boys aren't a gang."

"What are they?"

"I dunno, an association maybe?" He wanted to say family, but he definitely didn't want that to get back to McCarthy. "It was just a bunch of people who had no one but each other. Growing up in Mangrove River was tough."

"You and Dean grew up there?"

He was saying too much.

"Yes. But I don't really see how any of this is relevant."

"It's relevant because you say your strained relationship with Dean led to your physical symptoms."

"I got my medical clearance. Doctor Morgan said I'm good to go."

"We both know police work involves a lot more than physical fitness."

"I told you Dean and I made up."

"And what if you get into another fight? Will you revert to the same coping mechanism or lack thereof?"

"It's not gonna happen. Are you gonna give me the clearance or not? Being back on the job will be the best therapy."

She raised a brow at that and he wished he hadn't been so presumptuous, but he didn't want her to poke at this anymore. His feelings were his own business.

"No."

"What? I need to be at work."

"I agree, but I think you're in denial about the seriousness of the issue and unwilling to find a real solution."

"I know how serious this is, believe me."

She gave him a scrutinising look, he did his best hold firm, his whole future could depend on her opinion of him.

"I'm clearing you for reduced duty," she decided. "Anything behind a desk. I want to see you again in a week before I sign you off for full active duty."

"You don't need to do that. Please. I'm fine."

"Police work is very demanding. Your life and the lives of those around you depends on your ability to focus and make split second decisions clearly. I can't put you or your colleagues at risk by signing you off before I think you're ready."

Damn, he couldn't really argue with that.

"Fine," he allowed, standing up and taking the form from her. "I'll come back next week and you'll see there's nothing to worry about."

"I hope so, Colby. In the meantime, if you think of any questions, or just anything you want to talk about, we can do that at your next appointment."

"Thanks," he said, even though he knew there was no chance he was gonna take her up on that offer.

\---

"How'd it go?" Willow asked that night when they all met up at the caravan park for a beer.

"Desk duty. Can you believe that?"

"For how long?" Dean asked, unable to help feeling a touch guilty about it.

"A week, at least. I gotta go back to the shrink again."

"That's better than nothing though, right?" Willow said.

"I guess. But not much. Anyway, I'm sick of talking about all that. Who'd you guys manage to piss off today?"

"Why would you assume that about us?" Willow said with fake outrage.

"Geez," Colby grinned. "I dunno."

"Well for your information, I had a totally uneventful day, and Dean is nailing his apprenticeship."

"Yeah?" Colby said, looking genuinely pleased for him.

"I guess," Dean shrugged. "There isn't much to it. Sweeping floors mostly."

"Don't do that," Willow said, turning to Colby excitedly. "Justin says he's way above where a first year should be."

"That's good, mate," Colby smiled. "Really good."

They both looked so proud of him, it was a weird feeling.

"Thanks," he accepted, not really knowing what else to say. He'd never done anything worth praising before.

\---

When Willow finished her beer and ducked off to the loo, Colby instantly felt the change in mood.

Dean looked over at him, taking the opportunity to ask a question.

"Hey Colby, how come you gotta see the shrink again?"

Dean looked worried, like maybe it was his fault. It wasn't. Mostly.

"She reckons I'm not facing up to the real problem, so it might happen again."

The look on Dean's face became a more guarded one. It wasn't hard to guess what he was thinking.

"And is she right?" he said carefully.

Well that right there was the million-dollar question, wasn't it?

"No," he lied, to set Dean's mind at ease. Dean seemed to buy it. If only he could have been that convincing in his evaluation today.

\---

Willow wasn't a surfer, so it was just the two of them. Dean didn't mind. Surfing wasn't exactly a time for chatting, so they could do this together without all the tension.

They hadn't been out for surf for a few weeks, and now that he saw Colby shirtless again, he could really tell that he'd lost weight.

Colby had never really been hungry as a kid, despite all the other shit he'd had to deal with from his stepdad, there had always been food on the table, because Bella was there. Dean hadn't always had a full belly. If his mum went on a bender, it could be days before she'd remember to feed him. If it hadn't been for Willow passing plates over the back fence, he might've actually starved to death.

So he knew what it was like to be hungry, and he couldn't imagine what must be going through a person's head to inflict that upon themselves.

What he did understand was that his stunt was really putting Colby through the wringer. Mostly he felt bad about it, but a tiny part of him couldn't help thinking Colby deserved a bit of heartache for what he'd done all those years ago. Of course he didn't want him to be unhealthy, or to lose his job, but just maybe he might finally be finding out what Dean had suffered all those years.

Dean had lost his shot at a career, AFL coaches didn't look at people who couldn't even walk no matter what the talent scouts said, and prison had certainly been no picnic.

They wrapped the session up because they both had work today.

"You call that surfing?" Colby teased, grabbing his towel.

"Can't control the ocean, mate. If the waves aren't on, they aren't on."

"I managed to find a few."

"Yeah, yeah," Dean said, letting Colby have the win. Because in the abstract, it was all good and well to be bitter, but face to face with Colby, Dean couldn't do it. While Colby might be smiling, and saying the right things, those lines on his face, and that shadow in his eyes, didn't quite match the impression of okay he was trying to give. And for better or worse, that didn't sit right with Dean.

"You all good?"

"Yeah, of course," Colby fibbed. Technically it was a lie, but Dean couldn't hold it against him. They both just wanted this to be okay, even though he had a feeling it never would be.

\---

Being stuck behind a desk was the worst. It was boring, obviously, and he had to put up with McCarthy in his ear all day, but it was more than that. Watching everyone else walk out the door, not being able to back them up, was tough. He wanted to get out there, knew he could be doing more good on the beat than stuck in here pushing papers and fending off complaints about barking dogs.

He looked up when Murray walked in, the other officer giving him a friendly smile.

"Look who's here," Murray grinned.

"Good to see you too," Colby threw back jokingly. He hadn't seen Murray since they'd gone out on the surf club call. Presumably, he'd been the one to call the ambos.

Murray came over to where he was battling with the photocopier.

"Listen," he said in a lower voice. "I'm sorry I didn't get into the hospital. Sarge said you might need some time."

"It's fine," Colby said because it was. Everyone's life didn't need to be inconvenienced because he'd been dramatic. "No big deal."

Murray gave him a thoughtful look, but let it go. Colby was grateful for that.

"Well," Murray said, putting the usual grin back on his face, and giving Colby a friendly smack on the butt. "Good to have you back, Thorne. We missed your ugly mug around here."

"Cheers mate."

It might sound weird, but that touch was good. It meant he wasn't being treated any differently to usual. These were good people and he wanted to do everything he could to clear his next eval. He had to get back out there with them.

\---

There was a big difference between intention and action. Colby knew he needed to sleep, to be right for work, wanted to sleep, to get away from the relentless march of his thoughts, but he still lay awake at night battling himself.

He couldn't get that night out of his head. The moments when he'd thought Dean was in it to. There was something there, there had to be. He couldn't have got it so totally wrong.

And now, Dean had been so great, jumping right in to support him.

It wasn't even Dean's feelings that he really questioned, it was obvious that Dean cared about him, but the trust issue was huge. There was no way they could ever have a relationship if Dean didn't trust him. Logic would say that he should move on, but he couldn't give up on this, on them, not without knowing for sure it was never gonna happen. But what could he say? What could he do? He'd agreed with Dean that they would be mates. He had to honour that, didn't he? But what if they could be more? What if something amazing was waiting for them? What if Dean was just waiting for him to ask? And what if he did ask? And it all went to shit? Again.

He rolled over and buried his face in the pillow. Why couldn't his stupid brain just shut up for five goddamn minutes? Why couldn't he just get some sleep? Why did these thoughts have to torture him endlessly? Why was he still awake at... 3:48 in the morning? He clicked his phone off and wondered. How long could a person possibly go on like this?


	5. Chapter 5

Robbo was away, so the three of them had planned to hang out at Colby's place for the evening. It was beers and pizza as usual, until Willow got a text.

"It's Justin," she announced. "He needs me to meet him."

"Sure," Colby said. "You've been here way too much lately anyway."

She pulled a face at him and ruffled his hair as pay back for teasing her.

"You coming, Dean?"

She was giving him an out if he wanted one, but he didn't think he needed it. Things hadn't been weird and there was still half of the movie, and half a beer, to go.

"Nah, I'm good thanks," he said, settling back into the lounge with his brew.

"Alright, well I'll catch you guys tomorrow."

Then it was just the two of them. They finished the movie, and the beers, and Dean got up to go.

"Dean, wait..."

Colby was giving him that look, the one that had a world of pain behind it. Shit. Things were about to get heavy. And they'd been doing so well.

"What?"

"It's been good. Hanging out again."

"Yeah. Being mates is working out."

"About that night..."

"We've already talked about this."

"We agreed to be mates," Colby reiterated.

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "That's right."

Dean wanted to leave it there, it didn't look like Colby was gonna let it go though.

"I... Was there anything to it? Did you feel anything for me?"

"Don't do this, Colby. We're okay now."

"I have to know. I have to know if there's even the tiniest chance."

"For what?" But he knew what Colby wanted, could see the desperation in his eyes. He wanted them to be together, more than friends, but Dean couldn't do it. All their problems wouldn't go away just because Colby was in love with him. There was too much broken between them. And telling Colby what he wanted to hear, just to make him feel better in this moment, wasn't gonna solve anything. He owed them both more than that. "I can't fix this by telling you a lie."

"Then don't say anything..."

Colby took a quick step forward, and then they were kissing. It felt so good to be wanted, it was clear in the way Colby kissed him that he had been drowning without this. Colby needed it, and Dean was going to give it to him. If he kept his own feelings out of it, focused on nothing but Colby and his needs, it might be okay.

Plastered together, they made it to the bedroom. Considering last time, a soft mattress was a treat. They pulled their shirts off, Dean ran a hand over Colby's ink, then he pushed him down, climbed over him, and latched his mouth onto Colby's neck. Colby writhed beneath him.

He didn't know what this was. Pulling back, looking down, seeing the need on Colby's face, all he knew was that Colby was beautiful. He still looked sick but somehow that made it more precious, and there was nowhere else he'd rather be in this moment.

He sealed his mouth over Colby's, kissing him like it was the last time. Who knew? Maybe it would be.

They were so good together, it was such a shame a hot fuck was all it could ever be.

"Dean, please..." Colby begged, arching up to meet him.

He knew what Colby wanted, and he slid his hand down Colby's hot skin, and reached into his pants.

Colby was already hard and leaking, Dean thumbed the tip and then tried to work him, but he couldn't quite get it right with Colby's pants in the way. So he quickly got up, pulled the rest of Colby's clothes and his own off.

He took a second to admire Colby laid out like that, all for him, and he knew he needed them to be together in the closest way they could. Dean's heart might be closed to Colby, but his body wasn't. This was a way to give Colby what he wanted, without risking himself.

He sucked Colby off while he worked him open with a couple of fingers. He wanted to be inside Colby, and he knew Colby was desperate for that too. They had to get rid of this distance between them however they could.

With the prep done, he positioned himself over Colby, looking down into his eyes. He could see how much this meant to Colby, see too the knowledge that this was more than sex, that this physical act was an expression of something deeper and more profound. Dean couldn't agree with it, couldn't disagree either, but he knew there was a type of bond between them that would never be broken. Trust, guilt and love all aside, their connection had shaped them both into who they were today, and in this moment all the good things, and all the bad ones, had led them here, back to each other, to a need that couldn't be denied. Even if they never saw each other again, they had already left deep and irreparable marks on each other that they would carry for the rest of their lives. They were a part of each other.

It was all unspoken, and Dean knew that Colby got it too. This was everything, even though it was nothing, and being together had always been what mattered most.

The serious moments with Colby had always been the best ones. The ones that made him feel like there was a reason for it all.

For a second as he looked into Colby's eyes, he was back in Mangrove River, Colby in bed with him after copping another beating. Laying there, facing each other, heads on the same pillow, knees jammed together. Colby with his face black and blue, but safe for now, looking over at him like he was the answer to all life's questions.

_"I wish it could always be like this. Just us."_

That's what Colby had wanted, and here they were.

With all this bubbling inside him, there were so many things he might say. But he kept his mouth firmly shut. What good would saying any of it do now?

He kept the eye contact as he slid inside Colby, watching to see if it changed anything. But it didn't. They'd been in this together before, and they were still in it together now. United in heartache and loss, both reaching for something that had been destroyed a long time ago. But in their shared grief, they could comfort each other, share the pain and the suffering. Give each other this and know that it didn't mean anything beyond tonight.

Colby was reaching for him, stretching up, trying to bring them closer still. Somehow he managed to twist them together so their mouths could meet.

But then Colby was sort pushing him back, and he slipped out, losing the connection between them. He didn't have long to miss it though, because Colby was pushing him down into the mattress, throwing a leg over him and sinking down, so Dean was buried in that tight warmth again. Colby was regulating it now, leaning down, crushing their mouths together, ramming himself back onto Dean. And there was nothing but how good it felt, and the endless quest to erase the unbridgeable distance between them.

Colby was clenching around him, making everything perfect, and when Dean came, Colby swallowed his moan, keeping them pressed together like his life depended on it.

He could feel Colby's cock still hard between them, and he reached down to help him out, but Colby was groaning a protest into his mouth, trying to push his hand away. It took him a second to realise what Colby meant, he didn't want this to end. Dean wrapped his hand around Colby anyway, and pumped, nothing could go on for forever. Colby was burying his face his Dean's neck, mouth still working frantically, almost panicked. Dean's mouth was right by Colby's ear, so he whispered into it.

"Colby, you gotta let go."

Colby shook his head, refusing, but Dean coaxed him back enough to look into his eyes.

And back in Mangrove River, Dean touched his fingers to Colby's swollen cheek, and gave him his answer.

_"One day it will be."_

They'd had so many plans, always them against the world. Only now, they'd become the obstacles in each other's lives. Colby was in love with someone he could never have, and Dean? Well that car accident had broken more than his back. Even if he wanted to love Colby, he had no faith in him. Colby wasn't the person Dean had once thought him to be.

"Let go. For me." With a hand Dean guided Colby to his orgasm, and then they lay there side by side, breathlessly wondering what the hell had just happened.

Wrung out, confused, completely satisfied and totally numb, Dean was at a loss.

The answer came from beside him.

"Dean?" There was a quiver in Colby's voice. He knew what Colby was thinking, that he'd wake up alone again, but Dean wasn't gonna do that. One thing he did know was that he never wanted to hurt Colby again.

He rolled over to face him, shuffling forward and pressed a soft kiss to Colby's lips.

"Just go to sleep now."

Then he moved back just a fraction, so their heads were still on the same pillow, touched Colby's cheek, and tangled their legs together, knowing that nothing would be different between them in the morning, so they might as well take this small moment of reprieve while they could get it. There would always be plenty of pain waiting for them.

\---

Like last time, Dean woke first. He sat up, gazing down at Colby's sleeping form. He didn't look so peaceful this time, lines of worry etched into his face.

Dean sighed.

He couldn't stay, that promised too much, but he couldn't run off without a word either. He reached over and gave Colby's shoulder a gentle shake.

"Hey listen," he said, as Colby stirred awake. "I gotta go." This whole thing would be okay as long as he kept his eyes open, accepted it for what it was. It was comfort and compassion in a vulnerable moment, nothing more. They'd just needed to be close for a little while and they'd done that now. Except...

Dean went to get up, but Colby grabbed his arm, a question in his eyes. One Dean didn't have an answer to. He didn't know where they went from here anymore than Colby did.

"I'll see you later," he offered. Right now, that was the best he could do.


	6. Chapter 6

Here he was again, back in Rena's office. It wasn't that he didn't like her, but he definitely didn't like the questions she asked. She was good at her job and that scared him.

"How was work this week?" she began.

"Fine. No issues."

"Was it good to see your colleagues again?"

"Sure. Murray's alright. McCarthy didn't mind giving me a hard time though, he's always on me about something."

"Your sergeant?"

"Yes. Please don't tell him I said that."

"Of course not," she allowed with a little smile. He trusted her to at least keep that private, she worked here, so she must have a boss too. "Do you feel like you're ready to step up to full duties?"

"For sure. There's nothing worse than seeing them go out on calls and not being there. What if they need me?"

"You think they can't handle it without you?"

"No. I just don't want to let them down."

"Because you've let people down before?"

He didn't answer. Couldn't tell her about Dean and ruining his life through selfishness. Thankfully, she let it go for once.

"What about meals? Have you been eating properly?"

"Yes," he sighed, smiling, thinking of Willow and her mother hen act.

"Care to elaborate?"

"I have a friend that's making sure I do. She's very persistent."

"That's good. To have a support network."

"Yeah," he agreed, hanging out with Dean and Willow this last week had been kinda nice. Even if they did fuss. All it meant was that they cared, and he couldn't complain about that.

"Are you in a relationship?"

"No," he frowned. "Why?"

She brushed a finger against her neck and he remembered Dean's mouth on him. Obviously, he'd left a mark.

"No," he stated again, adjusting his collar a little.

"A one-night stand?"

"What has this got to do with clearing me for duty?"

"I want to know if you're making reckless decisions."

"No, it wasn't exactly a one-night stand."

"The beginning of a relationship?"

"No," he told her, tripping a little on the word because it hurt.

"Colby, I need you to be honest with me."

"We've slept together before."

"But it's not a relationship?"

"Not a romantic one. No."

"But you'd like it to be?"

"I really don't think this is relevant."

"You seem uncomfortable about it."

"I'm not. But it isn't anybody else's business. It has nothing to do with how I do my job."

"But if you're distracted, it could."

"I'm not distracted," he snapped. "What Dean and I do has nothing to do with my work." Why couldn't people understand that he was dedicated to being a cop? If anything, his past helped him understand how the world worked better, and in turn made him a better cop.

"Dean?"

"I..." Shit! How could he have let her rattle him like that? "It's... I didn't mean..."

"No, I think you said exactly what you mean."

God, how did he dig himself out of this hole now?

"I think you've been carrying this, Colby. And I think it's getting to you more than you realise. This is your chance to get it all out. Sort out how you feel and work through it, if you're willing to put in the effort."

How could she possibly help?

"Dean and me, it's complicated."

"I'm sure it is. All the more reason to let me help you."

Even if he wanted to, even if he thought talking it out might be good, he couldn't. There were parts of the story he could never tell. Like the fact that he'd been in that car too and that Dean had taken the wrap for him.

"I can't."

"You can. I know it's difficult, but you can tell me anything. Those parts of our conversation will remain completely confidential. I'd be willing to sign you off if you did."

"That's blackmail."

"No, it's me acknowledging you are fit for duty because you are willing to address your issues. If you continue to ignore them, I can't help you."

Could he do this? Spill his guts about Dean to get back on the job? Well, he did always say he'd do anything to be a cop.

"Fine," he consented. She stamped his clearance and handed it to him.

"Same time next week?"

"Sure," he agreed, it wasn't like he had much of a choice.

"Come with an open mind. You might be surprised by what we can achieve if you do."

\---

Colby wouldn't see as much of his friends now that he was back on active duty, but he still wanted to talk to them. He ran into Willow at Salt.

"Come for a walk?"

"Sure," she agreed. They ended up in the park, looking out over the ocean.

"The shrink wants me to talk about Dean. What do you reckon about that?"

"Oh," Willow frowned, put on the spot. "Um, well I guess you guys do have a lot of issues."

"That's what she said."

"I mean, do you think you want to?"

"I dunno," he shrugged. "I guess it could be good to get some of it off my chest. I've been carrying it for a long time."

"Well, it can't hurt. Right?" Willow said with a tentative smile. "GA really helped me."

"Unless she finds out about the accident."

"Right," she agreed, smile dropping. "But I mean, you're smart. You can avoid it, and you guys really do still have a lot of stuff to sort."

"Don't I know it..." Only a day ago they'd slept together, and Colby didn't know where to begin with that. It was so good being with Dean, but he could still feel the wall between them, he had no idea how to go about bringing it down, or if that was even a good idea. Maybe the past needed to stay in the past, dragging it all up last time hadn't worked out so well.

"What aren't you telling me?" she wondered, eyes narrowing thoughtfully. He didn't wanna lie to her, she'd been so good to him. But was this his secret to tell? It involved Dean too. He couldn't decide.

"Oh my God," she said. "You went there, didn't you? You and Dean hooked up again?"

What could he say, of course she was right, it was a terrible idea. Dean couldn't give him what he really wanted, it could only end in heartbreak, but...

"He's everything, Willow. All I think about."

"Okay, that in itself is unhealthy. You do understand that, right? You jeopardised your health and your career because of this obsession with him."

"It's not an obsession. It's love."

"I don't think love is supposed to take everything you have without giving something back."

That was a nice idea but they'd both grown up in Mangrove River. He'd loved his mother and so had Dean, neither of those women had given much back.

"We both know that's not true."

"You got out for a reason, Colby. Don't let yourself be dragged back under."

It was already way too late for that.

\---

"Dean!" It was Willow. She looked mad.

"What?"

"What were you thinking?! You know how he feels about you!"

"Keep your voice down, alright?" he said, pulling her aside and glancing around to check if anyone had heard. It looked like the coast was clear.

Obviously this was about Colby.

"What did he tell you?"

"That the two of you hooked up again. But he didn't have to say it, it was all over his face. He's so in love with you, Dean. You can't string him along like this."

"I'm not stringing anyone along. He knows how it is. It would never work, he's a cop for one thing. His boss would never okay it."

"Have you talked to him about this?"

"No. We're both done with talking. If we don't make any promises, we can't break any. Simple."

"There is nothing simple about this. It can't happen again."

He couldn't agree to that, there was no way to predict what would happen between them.

"Like I said, no promises."

"Are you even listening to yourself? Colby is so unstable right now."

"Mind your own business."

"How dare you say that to me! You are my business! You have been since I found you hiding in the shed. You think I wanna see either of you get hurt?"

"It's a bit late for that."

"Dean, don't be an idiot about this."

"I'm not. Anyway, it's not like I planned it. It just happened."

"How does something like that just happen?"

"You tell me. We fell into bed together when it suited you."

"That was different."

"I know. Because it never meant anything to you."

That did it, he copped a swift palm across the cheek.

They stood there staring at each other, his face stinging from the slap. It was a gift, being able to screw up every good thing he had going for him. And now she had tears in her eyes, even though she wasn't the one that had just been hit. Still, he felt bad, because he was a sucker, and then she was launching herself at him and throwing her arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry," she apologised, clinging to him. "The last thing I ever wanna do is hurt you."

He could feel her tears on his skin. He wrapped her up in a hug.

"I know, Will. Life's tough."

She pulled back, wiped her eyes, and gave him one of those tight grins.

"You two scare the hell out of me, you know? Always wondering if you're gonna do something stupid."

He gave her a tight smile of his own.

"That's pretty much a given."

"Dean, this isn't funny."

"No, it isn't. You're my best friend, Will. I know you'll be there to pick up the pieces."

She pressed a hand to her forehead.

"Why does someone have to break?"

"Because we wanna fit together, but we don't."

He surprised them both with that little bit of wisdom. It was an unfortunate truth, and just went to show that she was right. Being with Colby was a bad idea.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean was trying to distance himself. Not pull away completely, he'd seen how bad that could go, landing Colby in the hospital and all. But Willow had smacked some sense into him, literally.

Texting was good. It was a way to keep in touch without having to face Colby. Maybe they could keep their relationship strictly typed for the rest of their lives and everything would be just fine.

 **What's on for today?** It was always Colby who texted first.

**Gotta go to Yabbie Creek to sort some apprenticeship stuff**

**Wanna ride together? I've got work**

**In a cop car? No thanks**

**:(**

**You'll get over it** , he replied, including an eye roll emoji.

**Breakfast before?**

**Sorry gotta b there asap**

He sent it, then thought about Colby not eating.

**But u eat. And coffee doesn't equal a feed**

**Yes mum**

**I want proof**

A couple of minutes later Colby sent him a selfie. In it he was wearing his uniform, holding a blueberry muffin from the diner. On his face was a pout. It shouldn't have been so attractive, but then Colby was always prettiest when he was sad. Still, thinking someone was good looking wasn't a basis for a relationship.

He loved the idea of Colby, of being back with the person he'd grown up with, but not so much the reality. Colby knew that loyalty was the most important thing in the world to him and he'd betrayed him anyway. That was something he could never let himself forget.

_He'll promise you everything and then he'll rip it all away. He did it before and he'll do it again. It's only a matter of time and the deeper you get in, the more it will hurt. Walk away while you still can. He's not your responsibility, it's not up to you to make him feel better about himself, he's the one that wronged you._

The hardest part of all though, was that he couldn't hate Colby. And part of him too, liked being wanted. No one had ever had much time for him, so when he got attention from Colby, it felt good. As pathetic as it was, Dean knew that's why he really kept replying to these messages.

**Sook all u want. I dont care. Just eat it**

Even knowing it was a train wreck waiting to happen, he just didn't seem to be able to help himself.

\---

"Lunch?" Murray asked from the driver's seat of the patrol car.

"I'm not really hungry..."

"C'mon," Murray insisted. "They opened that new Maccas on the freeway. Uniformed cops get free food."

He was trying to coax Colby into eating. That was the thing about people witnessing that you weren't coping. Whether they meant to or not, they treated you differently. Like once you'd been broken, they didn't trust you not to break again. He could see that doubt on Murray's face now.

This must be how Dean always felt, people looking out of the corner of their eyes with mistrust. It was frustrating and isolating. Another reason for Colby to hate himself.

But they had to work together, and trust was important.

"Let's go then," he sighed.

The other cop threw him a grin.

They went through the drive thru.

"What do you want?"

"Six nuggets."

"Nuggets are not a meal."

"Yes, they are. They're on the McValue meal menu."

"That only counts if you get the fries and coke."

They pulled up at the order intercom.

"How can I help you?" Came the voice through the speaker.

"Can I get a _ten_ nugget meal. _Large_. And a large Big Mac meal."

Colby couldn't help but notice that wasn't what he'd asked for.

"And to drink?"

Murray shot him an evil grin.

"We'll have strawberry thickshakes thanks."

Colby just rolled his eyes. He might not be keen on eating, but there was a difference between eating and getting fat. It wasn't like they needed any more reasons for people to call them pigs.

\---

"Thorne, in my office now," McCarthy commanded. What had he done wrong this time?

Colby stepped into the office.

"Yeah, Sarge?"

The sergeant frowned up at him from behind his desk.

"How are you handling things?"

"Fine. Glad to be back."

"That's good to hear. Command has sent through a request for extra personnel at Dubbo on the 17th. They need uniforms for the royal visit. I thought you'd be interested."

He had never given any indication that he would be, he knew what this was, McCarthy was trying to get rid of him for a few days.

"Just me?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No," he lied, because it wasn't like he could argue with an order, and that's what this was, but he didn't really want to be leaving town right now. Not when things with Dean were so up in the air. He could feel Dean starting to put distance between them, this would add to that.

"Good. I'll let command know you and Murray will be there."

"Yes, Sarge."

\---

Dean pulled the ringing phone from his pocket. It was Colby. He hesitated before answering, he didn't want to give Colby the wrong idea about them.

Logically he knew that getting close to Colby again was only going to end in heartache for him, Colby was selfish and sooner or later when he'd decide that being around Dean was too much hassle, he'd drop him. There would come a time when he had to choose between his job and them and he would choose his career.

Colby was already proving again that he couldn't be trusted, they'd agreed to be mates, and it had only taken a week for him to go back on his word and throw himself at Dean, in another attempt to ease his guilty conscience. Still, he also couldn't shake the thought that maybe something had happened and Colby needed him.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"Hey, what's happening?"

"Nothing much. Just work."

"How's it all going?"

"Good, unless I get fired for yakking on the phone. You need something?"

"Um yeah, sorry. I'm just letting you know I gotta go out of town with work for a few days."

Dean was a little unsure why he needed to know this. Couldn't Colby have just called Willow? She was the one that taking care of him the most.

"Okay..."

"I just..." Colby faltered, maybe not getting the response he was looking for. "I didn't want you to think I was running off again."

Oh man, it was so hard being mates with Colby when everything always came back to this. It wasn't even that he couldn't forgive Colby, maybe he could, maybe he already had, but he could never, ever forget. And having it shoved in his face every day was draining.

"Okay. Thanks." He hung up.

It might be a good thing Colby was seeing a shrink, he was messed up and clearly needed one.

And he realised too that he was already letting Colby in too much. Too much of his time was taken up with worrying about Colby and wondering what he should do next. He had already wasted enough of his life thinking about Colby, he needed to focus on other things. He had a chance to maybe make something of himself here, if he didn't let himself get bogged down in someone else's drama.

There was a time when Colby had been his number one priority, when he would have done absolutely anything for him, but Colby had forfeited the right to that number one spot in his life when he'd run off. Maybe it was time for Dean to put himself first for a change.

\---

What the hell had his life become? Here he was in the middle of nowhere, doing something he had no interest in, with an absolute mess of his own making waiting for him back home.

This pillow was too hard, the sheets were too scratchy, and he was pretty sure that weird noise was Murray snoring.

With his head on the horrible pillow, Colby could hear his heartbeat echoing in his ear, feel it thudding in his chest, as he unsuccessfully tried to get some sleep. Why couldn't the stupid thing leave him alone? As if it wasn't bad enough that it tortured him all day long, pining after Dean, and now it had to keep him awake all night too?

He felt so out of control. He didn't know how to fix any of this. Maybe he should quit. At least then he'd have no orders to follow, and there'd be one less thing standing between him and Dean. But that was stupid, Dean didn't really care that he was a cop, it was the fact that he'd lived their dream without Dean that was the problem.

God he just wanted the sun to come up, wanted this night to end. Maybe in the morning things would look better, they couldn't look any worse. Why did it seem that time was always against him? Too much of it, or not enough...

He rolled over, the pillow still wasn't right. He huffed out a breath and punched the stupid thing. Why did everything always have to be so hard?

\---

Crowd control was tedious work. While everyone else gathering at Victoria Park were here because they wanted to be, Colby and Murray were working.

They didn't expect any trouble, Dubbo was a big country town, it was more about a strong police presence to deter anyone thinking about doing anything silly while the Duke and Duchess were here.

Of course they had to be vigilant, scanning the crowds for any suspicious behaviour, but so far everything was calm. Everyone just seemed so happy to be here. It was a surreal feeling actually, being among thousands of people who truly felt like one unified community. Everyone was here for the same reason, and it made strangers friends. Even himself and Murray, cops who often got treated with disdain, wariness or fear, got plenty of smiles and hellos.

For hours they patrolled, walking through the growing masses of royal watchers, and then as the time approached for Harry and Meghan to arrive they took up their positions in the activation square. This was the barricaded area, inside which were the special invited guests and where the royal couple would be. For the next two hours, all Colby had to do was stand in this exact spot and keep his eyes on the crowd, watching for anyone suspicious. He had his gun on his hip, but he knew he wouldn't need it. All he saw were happy faces, old people and school kids, and mothers with little girls in princess dresses and tiaras. Thousands of people excitedly waiting for the chance to catch a glimpse of the famous couple. No one had any reason to be unhappy about today's visit. Republicans were nothing but killjoys.

From the Duke and Duchess's point of view, it must be a strange feeling to know that tens of thousands of people had converged on a place just to see you. To be devoted enough to interrupt their own lives, travelling long distances, taking time off work, for the chance to be in your presence for a moment. He had no idea how a person went about dealing with that kind of pressure.

Dark grey storm clouds loomed overhead, threatening rain, but it didn't seem to dampen anyone's spirits. In fact, a lot of people were probably excited about the prospect of rain considering the drought conditions, and the rumbling thunder only seemed to add to the excitement and anticipation, as Harry and Meghan's arrival drew closer.

It wasn't hard to tell when they arrived, even without coms, the cheer of the crowd signalled that. The action was happening behind him, but he stayed put and did his job, watching the section of crowd he'd been allocated.

Simultaneously with their arrival, it began to rain. People had joked that Harry coming to town would break the drought.

He knew they had finished the greeting line and walked up on stage because of the cheering. And as Harry stepped up to the podium, the rain really set in, almost like he truly was the reason for it.

Colby got soaked, and so did everyone else, and no one cared. Everyone's attention was focused on the stage as the prince delivered his speech.

It was heartfelt and insightful, the genuine observations of a leader who really listened. He spoke about the resilience of people, the hardships they faced, and the importance of community. Then he began to speak about mental health, and even Colby found his attention turning towards the stage.

"You must not silently suffer. You are all in this together, and if I may speak personally we are all in this together, because asking for help was one of the best decisions that I ever made." He didn't expect it to hit him so hard, but it was a powerful message coming from a prince. Here was this person who was supposed to be perfect, openly admitting he was just like everyone else, showing not only that it was okay to ask for help, but that everyone needed to. No one was immune to struggle. And for the first time in his life it occurred to him that asking for help might be a legitimate course of action, and he realised that maybe he was being stupid by resisting Rena's help. Maybe talking to her could be a good thing. Maybe she could help him become the best version of himself, because he certainly wasn't doing a great job of it on his own. Maybe he owed it to Dean, and to himself, to really try.

"Thorne," Murray hissed, jerking his head towards the crowd. He snapped out of his thoughts, and remembered he had a job to do. And he thought he owed it to Harry now, to make sure he and his wife, and their little bump, were safe while they carried out their duty, meeting and greeting all these people who needed them, and the hope that they shared. Because God knew, everyone could use a bit of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a self-indulgent chapter. I was in Dubbo on the 17th, and stood there in the rain listening to Harry's speech. It was an incredible moment when he made his admission, very powerful. For that one moment you could feel 20,000 people stop for just a second and really ask themselves if this was something they honestly needed to do too. Prince Harry is an amazing person, a true and inspirational leader. Nothing but good came from his and Meghan's visit to our little corner of the world, and I feel so privileged to have been there to witness, and feel, the impact he had on this community.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Colby's attitude at the beginning of this chapter may seem like a step backwards. That is intentional because unlike stories sometimes go, real life isn't a linear process. Realisations don't result in immediate change. Real life is messy, there are set backs, and no matter how strong of a resolve you may form, your determination will lapse from time to time. That's human. Recognising your imperfections, picking yourself up again, and carrying on the fight is what matters.

When he sat down in Rena's office, she noticed something was up immediately.

"Colby, you don't look well."

"Thanks," he deadpanned.

She wasn't much one for humour and waited for him to explain.

"It's been a long week. I haven't been sleeping much."

"Why not?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"That's how these sessions work."

She was right, and he needed to commit to this if it was going to work.

"Dean."

"What happened?"

"He's pulling away."

"And that upsets you?"

"Of course it upsets me."

"Have you been skipping meals?"

"No..."

She gave him a don't-bullshit-me look.

"Not many..." he amended.

"You do realise you're heading down the same self-destructive path again."

"It isn't a choice. I don't feel like eating."

"If you are this out of control, I may need to revoke your clearance."

"Please don't do that. Aren't you supposed to fix this?"

"I can't fix it, I can only help you fix it, and there are no easy answers. We have to work on it. Let's talk about Dean."

"Why?" Did she just wanna torture him? He was doing a good enough job of that already without her help.

"He seems to be your trigger. Everything you do is based around your feelings for him."

Willow had said the same thing.

"Let's start at the start," she suggested. "How long have you known each other?"

"A long time."

"You're going to have to do better than that."

Colby cast his mind back twenty years, to the first time he'd ever laid eyes on Dean.

"Since he started school. I was two years above him and I saw the other kids picking on him. He was such a skinny little kid..." Colby could still see those big, green eyes pleading with him for help. "I'm not sure I would have stepped in for anyone, I dunno, my dad was a cop, maybe I would have, but even then there was something about him..."

It was impossible to put into words what Dean meant to him.

"Go on..." she said, scribbling notes across a pad.

"We were inseparable after that. He followed me everywhere, but I didn't mind. He was funny, and he never argued. He just followed my lead. Then my dad died. My mum sat me down and told me he wasn't coming home from work, and then she cried. And she never really stopped crying, and nothing was ever the same after that."

As a kid he'd never understood how his mother could behave the way she had. She'd become an observer in his life, not a participant, and it hurt that she couldn't be bothered to stick up for him when he needed her to. But now as an adult, one who couldn't be with the person he loved, maybe he was beginning to get how it had been for her, that aching, gnawing void, and death was an unarguable finality. There'd been no hope for her.

"That must have been very hard."

"I told you before growing up in Mangrove River was tough. But it was a long time ago."

"Wounds like that leave scars."

She was right about that.

"Yeah, they do."

"And where was Dean while this was going on?"

"Right there. Like always. I was angry, I felt like I'd lost both my parents, and I started acting out, got into some trouble, just kid stuff, but he never questioned any of it. If I said we should chuck a rock through a window, he'd just start looking for the biggest rock he could find."

He hadn't thought about those early days in a while, always fixating on the accident and what went wrong. But they really had been the best of friends, doing everything together, and Dean had become his safe place.

"Then along came my stepdad. Mum was a shell, and she had this kid she couldn't control, and he said he'd fix it. Be like a father to me. But the second she married him his true colours came out. Didn't matter what I did, he'd beat the hell out of me for it."

It was a shocking thing to tell a stranger, but Rena handled it with professionalism he'd come to expect of her.

"No child should have to deal with that. How did you cope?"

"I had Dean. I couldn't tell you how many times he patched me up. Not that we had much, but we did our best. And some nights I'd get home, or my stepdad would come in, and you could feel it, boiling in the air, and I'd just get outta there. I didn't wanna end up in the hospital again." He'd worked so hard to leave all this behind, but now that he was back, and Dean and Willow were around, he couldn't deny his past. It had made him who he was, and maybe he needed to get this out, have someone hear that these things were part of him. Plus, his career depended on sorting himself out. She had to believe he was trying. "Is this what you wanna hear?"

"I'm here to listen to whatever you want to tell me."

He didn't really know, but maybe it would be good to have someone who he hadn't hurt, acknowledge that he'd dragged himself out of the gutter and made something of his life. Or maybe that was just egotistical. Besides, he'd left Dean behind to do it, so it was nothing to be proud of.

"Did things get better?" she prompted.

"For a while I guess they did." He and Dean had been up to their usual tricks, getting whatever they needed, however they could, when they'd decided to break into Brax's car. They'd damn near gotten away with it too, but Brax had caught them and he'd been impressed. Decided to put their skills to use rather than beat the shit out of them. And when he'd found out about Dean's situation, well Dean hadn't had to go hungry again after that. "We became River Boys."

"You said before the River Boys weren't a gang. What did they do?"

"Mostly we surfed. And had epic parties on the beach. It was just somewhere to be instead of going home." He decided to leave out the drug running and auto theft.

"You were around other people now. Did it change your relationship with Dean?"

"No. We were happier, we didn't have to fight as hard, but we still did everything together."

"And when do you think you fell in love with him?"

She didn't change her tone at all.

"You're good, I'll give you that, but I can't answer that."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know. I can't really remember a time when I didn't feel that need to be with him. Maybe only right at the start before my dad died, but I always wanted to protect him."

"Those things can be accounted to friendship, even necessity. Why do you think it's love?"

That was a really hard question to answer, and probably depended on how you defined the word. But it had to have something to do with the way Dean made him feel. Looking into those big, green eyes, those moments when Dean would let his guard drop and they'd really connect. The feeling was indescribable except to say that they _belonged_.

"Who passes out at work and winds up in the hospital because they blue with a mate?"

He pulled his phone from his pocket, pulled up a picture of Dean and Willow. In it Willow was pulling a silly face and beside her Dean was caught halfway between laughing at her and laughing with her, but the thing about Dean was that he laughed with his eyes, in this picture that uncertainty and that joy, had been captured beautifully.

Colby handed the phone over to Rena, a soft smile on his lips.

"Looking into those eyes, there's nothing else like it. And if you catch him off guard and the walls drop for a moment, well I dunno, I think that's about as close to heaven as I'm ever gonna get."

He looked up to see her watching him instead of the phone. She handed it back and shifted a little in her seat. It was the first time he'd ever seen an unmeasured reaction from her.

"Maybe that sounds ridiculous," he allowed. He didn't usually think, let alone say, things like that.

"Quite the opposite," she said, leaving it at that. Maybe he'd made his point.

"I can understand why it hurts you now when he pulls away."

Lost in silly, romantic thoughts, he'd forgotten for a second that this was therapy. That the real world waited, and Dean was not his to have.

"It's not his fault. I push him too far."

Rena looked at her watch.

"Time's up," she announced.

It felt like it went quick, he couldn't believe he'd talked the whole session away, and he wasn't really ready for it to end. Maybe he did need this more than he realised.

"Same time next week?" he checked.

"I'll see you then," she smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

Colby was different the next time they saw him. He greeted them with a bright smile, it was good to see after all the moping about.

"You seem, I dunno," Dean shrugged. "Lighter or something."

"I feel lighter."

"Therapy's good?" Willow said.

"Surprisingly it is."

"Do you talk about me?" Dean asked, just to muck around.

"Maybe," Colby shrugged.

"You do," Dean said.

"Well obviously I do," Colby admitted.

The frank admission freaked Dean out, he'd been joking. Mostly. He'd assumed, but he hadn't expected Colby to actually admit it. Now he wanted to know what Colby said about him. Was it good? Was it bad? Obviously it was bad, people didn't go to therapy because everything was hunky dory. They went because they had problems. Big ones. And Colby's had begun right around the time he'd shot Boyd Eastern dead. That was something he'd done to save Dean's life. The exact moment he'd admitted that Dean was important to him, was also the one that had brought everything else undone.

"What pizza do you guys want?" Willow asked, running her eyes over the take away menu, oblivious to his mini meltdown.

"Meat lovers. Extra bacon," he answered automatically.

"I thought you didn't like pigs," Colby threw in. It was a terrible joke, there was the Colby he knew and... Holy crap.

"You know what, Will? I gotta go. Justin needs me to come in early tomorrow."

"What?" Colby said. "You just got here."

"I'll see you guys later," he said, getting the hell outta there as fast as he could.

He made it down to the beach and sucked in a lungful of cool, night air.

What the hell was that? He couldn't be... He couldn't have... No! It wasn't gonna happen. He couldn't let Colby off that easy, and there were so many other reasons it would never work anyway.

Even if he tried for a minute to imagine giving Colby what he wanted, he knew he never could. It would always be in the back of his mind, he'd always be waiting for Colby to stomp on his heart again. He couldn't let that happen.

And Colby was a cop. He couldn't date someone with a record like Dean's without consequence to his career. He'd already been in trouble over the shooting and then suspended because of gang affiliations since Dean had come back into his life.

He couldn't do this. Any of it. The sad truth was that they were bad for each other. Like how Colby's recent problems were all because of...

A hand on his shoulder jolted him out of the thought.

"You okay?"

He spun around to see Willow. As if his heart wasn't hammering enough already.

"Jesus, don't sneak up on a bloke like that."

"I wasn't sneaking," Willow defended. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I told you, I've got work early."

"You better be more careful with your lies if you're gonna spin them to the boss's girlfriend. Come on, out with it."

She was a good mate, proving again that she had his back, she would visit him in jail if he landed back in there.

"I just..." What? What could he say to get the point across without revealing the truth? He couldn't handle her deciding to play matchmaker or something stupid like that. "I can't be around him anymore. It's too hard."

"But you guys were doing okay..." She didn't honestly believe that any more than he did. He gave her a look that said so.

"Yeah, fair enough," she agreed. "So where do you go from here? He's gonna fall apart without you."

"Why is that my responsibility?"

"He's your friend."

It was bullshit how that got thrown in his face whenever it was convenient.

"Man, it's always like this. When he needs a friend, I have to be there. But when I needed him, where the fuck was he?"

"Dean..."

"Just drop it. I can't deal with this anymore."

If Saint bloody Colby was so wonderful, he'd take a leaf out of his book.

He walked away, knowing what he had to do now. For him and for Colby. Maybe, if he was out of the picture, Colby's life would go back to normal, and just maybe Dean could finally have some peace.

\---

Two things happened at the same time. His phone chimed with a message from Willow and McCarthy handed him an order.

"John Palmer just called complaining that one of his service crew hasn't showed up."

Palmer was just a chronic whinger.

"And how is this our problem? Shouldn't DOCS take care of it?"

"One guess who the no-show was."

"Dean," Colby sighed. He should have known, Dean had been acting weird last night.

"Find him and talk some sense into him, Thorne."

"Sure thing, Sarge. Thanks." He did actually appreciate McCarthy trusting him with this considering their River Boy history.

As soon as he was outside he checked his phone. Willow's message was about the same thing.

Colby checked Dean's van first, in case there was some logical explanation for risking his freedom, but it was empty. Something about it didn't feel right.

He tried Dean's phone, it went straight to message bank again.

He tried to think. If Dean was upset about something, where would he go? And then Colby remembered where he'd ended up last time.

He drove straight over to Mangrove River, pulling up at Simpson Lane.

Dean's car was out front.

There were so many memories of this place, but the most recent one was at the forefront of them. Finally being with Dean, and then finding out it had been a lie. But he had a job to do, so he pushed that aside and marched up the steps into the house.

He went straight to that room and found Dean sitting on the floor, backed up against the graffitied wall, face hidden which meant Colby couldn't get a read, but he didn't exactly look happy.

"Dean?!" It was an exclamation of relief and fear and anger all rolled into one.

He crossed the room and looked down at Dean's blank face.

"Dean, what the hell? You can't skip out on community service. It's keeping you out of prison."

"Maybe that's where I belong."

Colby reigned his fear in and toned it down a bit.

"C'mon, mate. What's brought this on?"

Dean looked up at him miserably, like he should already know the answer, but Colby didn't have a clue.

"You had a really nice life," Dean pointed out. "Good job and everything."

"So?" He was failing to see how this was relevant.

"And then I came back into it."

What? Colby had to shut this line of thinking down straight away.

"You are not what's wrong with my life. Without you, I didn't have one."

"Don't be stupid. Look at how far you went."

"In the wrong direction." He held out a hand to help Dean up.

Dean eyed him for a minute before accepting it, and then they were face to face, looking into each other's eyes, and it was true what Colby had told Rena, there was nothing else, would never be anything else, even close to this. He loved Dean so, so much.

To hell with duty. He stepped forward, trapping Dean against the wall, crushing their mouths together.

Dean didn't fight him, just kissed back. It was so good, why did they spend so much time fighting this?

It wasn't like last time they were here, this time Colby was in control, not that he wanted power over Dean, but he did want to show him how important this was. He worked his mouth, trying to reach as much of Dean as he could. His jaw, his neck...

Dean worked with him, not against him, it was what he'd been waiting for.

"Get this off," Dean exhaled, tugging at his shirt. His police shirt, Colby remembered. But this wasn't only his risk to take...

"Dean," he breathed into Dean's mouth, some part of him aware that the longer they were here, the more trouble Dean would be in. "We don't have time..." He didn't wanna stop... Never wanted to stop... But Dean needed to...

"We have time for something..." Dean said, abandoning the shirt buttons and going for his pants instead.

Colby couldn't say no to that.

He quickly went for Dean pants too, pushing his hips forward when both their cocks were free.

Colby reached down, wrapped a hand around both of them, while Dean's hands worked inside his half undone shirt, trying to touch as much skin as he could, never breaking the kiss.

It was hot and hurried, and didn't take long. Both of them needed this release.

They stood there for a second, foreheads resting together, puffing hot breaths into each other's mouths.

And then they were laughing. It was so ridiculous, so good and so stupid, so totally messed up beyond words.

Dean pushed him back a little, running a hand over the blue of his messed up shirt front, pushed it aside a little to touch his tattoo, then looked up, eyes sparkling with delight.

"You do this with all the crims, Senior Constable Thorne?"

Damn it was hot hearing Dean call him that.

"Only the ones I'm in love with," he said, ducking his head for another kiss, but Dean held him back.

For a second Colby didn't understand, then he could see that the wall had come up again, and he remembered the love part of this was one-sided.

"I'm guessing you're here dressed like that for a reason."

"Palmer reported you."

"Figures."

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Nothing," Dean dismissed, making an attempt to fix himself up. Colby followed suit, tucking himself away and cleaning up as best he could. It was a bit of a lost cause though.

"C'mon," Dean said, reaching for the buttons on Colby's uniform. "We better send you back looking your piggy best."

He'd stopped making eye contact, and was making bad jokes, he was working to shut something down.

"We can't ignore this," Colby said.

"What's that?" Dean wondered, voice tense.

Colby wanted to say 'us'. How they kept finding themselves in situations like this, but he didn't. He let it go in favour of the more immediate problem. Time was ticking.

"You skipping out on community service."

"That beach is sparkling we've been over it so many times, combed it more than you comb your hair. There's nothing left to pick up."

"Dean..."

"Yeah, alright," Dean allowed, conceding it wasn't really a time for kidding around, giving Colby a worried look.

"We'll sort something out," Colby assured.

They just had to get him back, make up some excuse. Colby could fudge the paperwork later.

When they headed down to where the cars were parked, something caught his eye. A stack of stuff in the backseat of Dean's Holden.

"Dean, what is this?"

Dean just looked at him. Colby knew what that bad feeling was now.

"Are you going somewhere?"

Dean shrugged. He wasn't arguing, which meant he was agreeing.

"You can't do that. You're on a good behaviour bond, you have to do your community service. They'd throw you inside if they caught you."

"Some things are worth it."

Last time he'd gone to prison it had been for Colby. Is that what he was doing again? It was crazy.

"Don't do this for me. And running away, it doesn't solve anything." He sucked in a breath, his chest felt tight, Dean couldn't do this. He couldn't. "Don't... Please don't..." Everything was going blurry...

"Shit. Colbs, I didn't mean it. It was dumb. I'm not going anywhere."

Was he just saying that? Waiting until Colby's back was turned, then planning on running off?

"Hey, shit, come here..." Then Dean was pulling him into his arms, Colby held on tight too, he couldn't let Dean go ever again.

The radio in the cruiser crackled with McCarthy's voice, looking for a status update on his search for Dean.

They broke apart and shared a look, both knowing this wasn't good, then Colby stuck his arm in the window and grabbed the receiver.

"Sarge, I've located him."

"And what's your status?" The sergeant demanded.

He shared another look with Dean before answering. Dean gave him a nod. Colby sighed.

"I'm bringing him in."

\---

Halfway there, Colby pulled the police cruiser over. Dean didn't know what he was doing. They'd probably pushed this as far as they could already.

"What's up?"

Colby turned a woeful look on him.

"I can't do this."

"What do you mean? You have to."

"No. I can't take you in there."

It was a nice idea, but...

"What else can you do?"

When Colby looked over at him, Dean knew what he was thinking. Had he gone completely bloody bonkers?

"No," Dean shook his head. "There's no way. That's totally crazy."

"But we'd be together. Your stuffs already packed."

"Look, you're not thinking straight. Just take us to the station."

"No," Colby argued.

"You told them you would."

"Nothing's official yet."

"So... What then?"

He waited while Colby thought.

"We smooth this over with Palmer. I'll drop you off. We'll tell him you had car trouble or something. Make him listen."

This idea might be even crazier than the first one.

"Have you met John Palmer?"

"I'm not taking you in there. I can't... I just..."

"Hey," Dean said. "It's okay. Whatever you want."

He could feel himself falling back into a bad habit, blindly trusting Colby when he knew how untrustworthy Colby was. But...

Colby pulled up at the surf club.

"Well, it's about time you showed up," Palmer ranted when he spotted Dean.

"Cheers for dobbing me in to the cops," Dean fired back.

"It's not my fault you can't get your hopeless backside here when you should."

Man, he wanted to sit this old bastard on his arse but he held back, Colby said he'd sort this without officially involving the police. Assault would probably mess up his chances of that.

"That's enough, Mr Palmer," Colby intervened. "Dean's here to do his community service now."

"He was supposed to be here over an hour ago!" Palmer exclaimed, as though a chip packet on the beach was the worst thing in the world. Dean could think of much worse ones.

"His car broke down," Colby said.

"Hasn't he heard of a phone?" Palmer bit back.

"He was in an area with no service. I'm sure you can understand that."

As Dean watched the lies roll effortlessly off Colby's tongue, he was reminded just what Colby was capable of.

It took a bit of work, but eventually Colby got Palmer to drop the whole thing and let Dean get on with his work.

Once Palmer had sooked off, Colby pulled him aside to explain.

"You'll have to make up your hours, but he won't report you."

"Thanks." He genuinely meant it, and Colby looked pleased that he'd been able to help, to offer something that no one else in Dean's life could have.

He also knew what else Colby was probably thinking, that this was the beginning of something between them. But it couldn't be, and he needed Colby to understand that. Especially now when his own feelings had become more complicated. It was going to take both of them to make this work.

"What happened back there," he said, knowing Colby would know exactly what he was talking about. "It can't happen again."

The smile on Colby's face wilted, but Dean had to stay strong.

"I mean it this time. Mates. That's it. You have to accept that or I can't be in your life."

For a second Colby looked devastated, but then he pulled himself together and accepted the situation. Dean was grateful he didn't make it any harder than it needed to be.

"Alright. If that's what you want."

"It is."

Apparently Dean was a pretty good liar too.

\---

"Thorne," McCarthy barked at him as soon as he arrived back at the station. "What happened to your uniform?"

"Huh?"

"There's a button missing."

"Oh," Colby said, glancing down to see the top button was gone. "Last call got a little rough."

"Wasn't it Thompson? Where is he?"

Shit. What the hell could he say?

McCarthy frowned at him.

"It was all a misunderstanding."

The sergeant eyed him critically. Colby held firm and prayed he'd let it go.

"I want all the details in your report."

"Sure, Sarge," he agreed. He didn't like lying, but it was a necessary evil.

He was trying to play both sides here, keep his job and keep Dean safe. It was tough, and he hoped the day would never come when he had to choose. He thought he knew which way he would go, but he'd thought that once before too, and here they were. Maybe he expected too much from life, but was it really unreasonable to hope for happiness? Maybe it was. It had proved pretty elusive so far.


	10. Chapter 10

Rena was the one person he didn't have any hesitation asking the tough questions. It was her job to listen, and she never judged him.

"Do you think it's possible to have casual sex with someone you're in love with?"

"It sounds very complicated."

"Everything with Dean is."

"I think it would be nearly impossible to do without someone getting hurt."

"But if we both went in with our eyes open..."

"Could you honestly say it's what you want?"

"I'll take him any way I can have him."

"You see? You've answered your own question. You're settling. Don't you think you deserve more than that?"

"I'm not sure that I do."

She let that sit for a second, and he knew she was right. It was stupid to think they could do that without any consequences.

"Let's talk about your guilt," she prompted. "You said you were the one that severed ties originally. Why?"

He'd never planned to, he'd imagined them getting out together, him being a cop, Dean being a footy star, but then the accident had happened and his hand had been forced.

What could he say? That where they'd come from, you didn't love a boy? Or that Dean was in trouble with the law, and he couldn't get involved in that and be a cop? That his stepfather had taken his sister and he needed to find her to get her away from him? That he was a fucking coward and he didn't wanna go to jail? That the person he'd lied to most was himself? That he'd stuck his head in the sand and pretended Dean was fine all that time?

"Colby, I know it's difficult..."

"You have no idea! I let him down, ruined his life. I don't even think he hates me for it. The things I've done... There are no excuses or forgiveness."

She reached over and laid a hand on his. It took him by surprise, and he looked up to see her gazing compassionately at him, he didn't deserve it.

"The first person you need forgiveness from is yourself."

It hit him hard and he couldn't fight the tears, because he knew he could never do that.

She handed him a tissue and he did his best to get himself under control again. She wasn't kidding when she said therapy was a process and that it was hard.

Rena never flinched, she'd probably seen it all before, she just waited patiently until he pulled himself together.

She didn't ask him if he was okay, obviously he wasn't, that's why he was here. This had started out as a necessity to keep his job, which meant she'd taken an uncompromising and direct path with her questions. She hadn't changed tact since their sessions had changed. He probably needed that.

"You're a police officer," she said, "so you've dealt with people who've had a loved one murdered."

"Yeah."

"And have you ever heard a parent whose child was killed in cold blood, say they forgive the killer?"

He had, in fact. A case where a girl had been strangled and dumped in bushland. He could still see her fiery, red hair, tangled through with sticks and leaves. She'd been left to rot like trash. And her father, he'd been so angry at first, wanted to kill the guy who'd done it. But then one day he'd stopped with the threats, and years later he said he forgave the killer.

"Yeah. But I never got it."

"Those people forgive those terrible crimes, not for the perpetrator, but for themselves. So they can put the past behind them and move on with their lives. They know that they can't live the rest of their lives in anger and resentment, that a life like that, isn't really being lived at all."

"So what are you saying?"

"That the part of you that wants to get better, the part that loves Dean, needs to forgive the person who made a mistake a long time ago."

It was more than a mistake, it was a ruthless and selfish choice. One he hadn't cared about the consequences of.

"I don't think I can."

"It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but the reward is worth the effort."

"I have no idea how..."

"Start by trying not to be so hard on yourself. And if you do ever decide to try committing to a serious relationship with Dean, you can't go into it feeling like you owe him something. Unbalanced relationships don't work."

Well that part made sense, but he didn't think that was ever going to happen. Dean was never going to trust him enough for that, and he'd made it pretty clear how he felt.

"Even if I wanted to, he'd never..."

Was it worth putting in all this effort for something he could never have?

"I think the two of you need to talk. I think you've left a lot unsaid, and it's time to get it all out there. So both of you can move on. Living in the past won't get either of you anywhere."

He tried to imagine starting that conversation. Dean wasn't a big talker, unless he was angry, and that wasn't gonna help anyone. Colby was either gonna get the cold shoulder or a punch in the mouth if he tried to bring this stuff up.

"I don't think Dean would be very open to that."

"What if you had someone to guide the conversation?"

"What do you mean?"

"I could help you both through it."

"What?" Colby couldn't help laughing. "Dean in a therapy session? Thanks for the offer but there is no way in a million years that's ever gonna happen."

"Why not?"

"He's a private person. We grew up having to deal with our own problems. Getting help isn't something we do."

"You're here."

"Because I have to be."

"Do you?"

She had him there, technically he was on his own time now.

"If you knew Dean, you'd understand why this is so impossible."

"I think you might be surprised by what people will do for the ones they care about. You don't think if you told him you need this he might want to do it? For you."

"I don't wanna guilt him into anything."

"He can make his own choices. He won't do it because he thinks he has to, if he agrees it'll be because he thinks it will help you. But he can't make that choice if you don't give him the option."

"What if he gets mad?"

"Do you think he will?"

He honestly didn't know how Dean would react. Laugh and tell him to get lost probably. Unless he was in a bad mood. Or unless he really did care... But it felt too much like entrapment. And on the other hand, what if Dean did agree, and said how he really felt and Colby didn't like it? What if it finally closed this chapter of their lives and they decided the best thing was to move on without each other? He didn't know if he could take that.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm scared he'll say yes. And that I won't like what he has to say."

"That's possible. But haven't you spent long enough wondering?"

"I just don't think I'm ready for this."

"That's okay, take your time. I won't bring it up again, but the offer is always there."

He could live with that.

"Thanks."

They spent the rest of the session talking about forgiveness techniques, and he was surprised to find that he had already taken the first steps on this difficult road. She told him he needed to focus on and acknowledge his emotions. He needed to acknowledge his mistake out loud, and by talking to her he had already begun to do that. He should think of his mistakes as learning experiences. Well, one thing he knew was that he would never abandon Dean again. She talked about learning to put what he'd done out of his mind. That was harder, she suggested visualising a container, putting his thoughts and feelings about it in there, and only coming back to it when it would be helpful. It was all great in theory, putting it into practice would be harder, but this was the grunt work part of therapy, committing to and working on it every day. And for a chance to be with Dean, however small that was, he knew he would do anything.

\---

For therapy homework he was supposed to write. Just for himself, but he wasn't gonna start scribbling in a flowery notebook and dotting his i's with little love hearts or anything. Colby had his laptop out, checking Bella's Facebook page, so maybe he could have a go at typing something while he was here.

It was supposed to be a conversation with himself, with his inner critic. It was about challenging negative thoughts and maybe it would help him process what he really hated about what he'd done.

Of course the critic was the first to speak up.

**It was selfish**

_But Bella needed me_

He felt like a bit of a fool, arguing with himself in such a deliberate way, but he pressed on because he'd promised himself he'd give this a real go.

**But it was all for nothing. You still don't know where she is**

_I couldn't have known that at the time_

**What you did know was that Dean was in that car, but you left anyway**

_I heard sirens. Help was on its way_

**He could have been dead already**

He wanted to argue back that it wouldn't have mattered then, that staying would have achieved nothing, but he couldn't commit to writing the idea that Dean being dead didn't matter. He didn't even wanna think about that possibility.

_I was in that car too_ , he wrote instead. _I could have been killed_

**That's true, but somehow you got off scot-free**

_Eight years later I'm here arguing with you, I don't think I got away without injury_

**Dean had to learn to walk again. Jai died**

He leaned back and scrubbed his hands over his face. How could he argue with that? He closed the laptop and left it there for the day. Maybe this was the part where he had to pack those feelings up and pull them out again later when it was constructive. He may as well give it a go. He wondered what he could put them in? He felt like a fool again, sitting here debating with himself about an imaginary container. But even though it was just for him, he wanted it to mean something. He couldn't shove something this important in a crappy, disposable Chinese container.

He sifted through his past, thinking about what treasures they'd had, what secrets they'd kept.

At Simpson Lane they'd had a stash. They'd kept some weed in a Harry Potter pencil tin. It worked because none of the other boys were gonna be caught dead touching something like that, and Dean had thought it was hilarious, Harry Pothead keeping their pot stash. Brax had told them they dealt drugs, they didn't take them, but a joint every now and then took the edge off. They hadn't stolen them, they never would have done that to Brax or Heath, they'd always thrown in cash for whatever they took, they just hadn't told Brax who they'd sold every last bit of leaf to.

He didn't know though, was he going to taint a good memory? Make it a sad one? Well really, all his memories of Dean were already tainted now.

He settled on that and then he realised this wasn't really anything new. He'd done this the moment he'd walked away and had thrown away the key. For seven years it had all stayed locked up, then he'd transferred to Yabbie Creek. He'd had to deal with the hunt for Robbo and a bunch of blokes from Mangrove River helping Martin Ashford out. It had culminated that day at the headland, and he'd jumped into the fight, tackled one of the blokes, and suddenly he was looking down at Dean's face, into those green eyes, the key was right there, and seven years had disappeared in a heartbeat.

But this was the problem, wasn't it? At least according to Rena and even Willow. Everything always came back to Dean. His whole life had been like that, since long before the accident, he didn't know how he was supposed to change it now. Especially when he didn't want to.


	11. Chapter 11

It was solo community service today. Willow didn't have as many hours to serve as Dean did. He loved the beach, but this might be overkill even for him, by this stage he felt personally acquainted with every grain of sand.

He didn't like being by himself, it gave him too much time to think. About people he'd probably already wasted enough time on.

"Dean!" He looked up to see Justin tearing down the sand. His first thought was Willow and that something terrible had happened to her. "It's your mum. She rocked up at my place. Willow said you gotta come now."

His mum? She hadn't wanted a bar of him since he went to lock up. He had to see her, make sure she was okay.

He dropped what he was doing and took off.

\---

Colby walked into the hospital in uniform. John Palmer had reported an incident in which he nearly got ran over, and Willow had texted to let him know that Karen Thompson had showed up and they were at the hospital with her because she had crashed her car. It wasn't hard to join the dots.

"How is he?" Colby asked Willow. Maybe he should've asked about Karen first, but knowing that Dean was okay was far more important to him.

"It shook him up a little, seeing her in a wrecked car, you know? But Karen's okay, so Dean's okay."

"I need to get a statement from her about what happened with Palmer."

"You walk in there and start flashing your badge around, Dean isn't gonna like it."

"I have a job to do."

"Colby, Karen's sick. You know that. And you know Dean is not gonna let you take her without a fight."

She was right, Karen had a serious illness. Taking Dean's mother away wasn't something he wanted to do, but what other choice did he have?

"Does she have a diagnosis?"

As far as he knew, she didn't. But he had been away for a long time, that may have changed.

"No."

"Well maybe I can push for a psych assessment first. It will buy us some time, and if she's deemed unfit to answer questions she might avoid charges altogether."

"So, it's a choice between a mental home or jail?"

"I'm not seeing a third option here. She could be charged with attempted murder if Palmer wants to push it."

That made Willow understand the seriousness of the situation, and she stopped fighting him. She knew he only wanted what was best for Dean.

She gave him a nervous look.

"So do you wanna tell Dean, or should I?"

\---

When Dean stepped out into the corridor, he felt drained. His mum was such hard work. He loved her, but she made things so complicated sometimes.

He ran into Colby and Willow. Colby was in uniform, so much for them agreeing to be mates. He couldn't seriously think Dean was gonna let him haul his mum off to the clink.

"What are you doing here?" he barked at Colby.

"I wanted to make sure you're okay."

Dean looked the uniform up and down.

"Pull the other one, mate."

"Palmer reported what happened."

"So? As far as I can tell, nothing happened."

Stuff Palmer, he deserved a bit of a shake up for the way he carried on, lording over them like he was king shit. Dean was willing to bet he had mistakes in his past too.

"We both know that's not true."

"He's alright, isn't he? Can't you just drop it?"

"Not when an official complaint has been made."

"So unmake it."

"I can't do that."

What was the good of Colby running off and ruining everything to become a cop, if he couldn't fix things like this?

"Dean," Willow said. "You're not the parent in this situation. She's supposed to look after you."

"What do you think she was doing?" They both gave him confused looks.

"Palmer was giving me a hard time, alright? Threatened to report me to DOCS. She just figured if he was out of the picture, I wouldn't get in trouble."

"Surely you understand how irrational that is," Willow pressed.

"It makes perfect sense."

"Dean, listen. I have to get a statement, and when I do this will be completely out of my control. But I can stall, push for a psychiatric assessment first."

Colby couldn't be serious.

"You wanna lock her up in some hospital instead?"

"I want her to get the help she needs. Mental illness is serious. And it's not her fault. Getting professional help isn't a bad thing. You know how much it's helped me and Willow."

"That's right," Willow agreed. "It's too much for you, Dean. You've tried so hard but it's time to get help."

They were ganging up on him. Trying to make him send his mum away to the loony bin. He couldn't do it to her. She might make some dumb decisions, but then, who didn't? And she was such a free spirit, he couldn't stand the thought of her behind bars, wherever that was.

"Are you two done? Just leave us alone. We don't need your help or anyone else's."

\---

He had to figure something out. Here was a chance to help Dean, and also to show him what help could do. Maybe he could talk to Karen himself, tell her how much trouble she might be in, persuade her that if she was open to the idea of getting some help, she might avoid it, and maybe even feel better.

He texted Willow, got her to arrange it. Karen wasn't a big fan of Willow's but if Willow could get Dean onside, something she'd managed to do in the past, well maybe between the three of them they could make it happen.

It didn't take too long before Willow called him to let him know that he could meet Karen at Salt.

She was waiting for him when he arrived. She wasn't really any different to how he remembered.

"Colby Thorne... I always wondered what happened to you."

He wasn't gonna bite. He was here for a reason. To get her to agree to some help, not to discuss his life choices. "You know," she smiled. "That uniform actually looks pretty good on you."

He'd spent enough time around Karen when he was younger to know she was a master of avoidance. If she didn't want to talk about something, she'd find some way to get the focus off herself.

"We all wear them," he said, totally unimpressed by the embarrassing way she conducted herself. He understood she was ill, but that excuse only took you so far. If you were sick, you had to face up to it and do something about it. Especially when it impacted on other people's lives. He couldn't forget the way she used to treat Dean, always making him feel like he was worthless and in the way. He didn't blame people for suffering from mental illness, but they had to be responsible for getting it under control. Of course he understood how hard that was when you were in the middle of a rough patch, he'd made plenty of mistakes of his own, but Karen had had her whole life to sort this and she'd never once attempted to help herself as far as he knew.

"I need to talk to you about what happened with John Palmer."

"Who?"

"The man you tried to run down."

"Don't what you're talking about," she dismissed.

"Listen Karen, you've got two options. You give me a statement and I book you, or you agree to get some help."

She leaned forward, a defiant look on her face, steadying herself with a hand on his knee. He ignored poor attempt at intimidation, he'd dealt with far worse than her and he wasn't a little kid anymore.

"What kinda help are we talking about?"

"An assessment with a psychiatrist, then we take it from there."

"You know," she said, an unnerving smile forming on her face. "Bet I can think of a much better way for us to help each other out..."

Her hand slid higher up his leg.

Jesus! She was coming onto him!

He was so wrapped up in his feelings for Dean and their relationship, that it never even occurred to him that someone else would look at him like that, let alone Karen. It was mortifying.

He jumped up and got outta there as quick as he could, her crazy laughter trailing behind him.


	12. Chapter 12

Colby was on his laptop when Willow walked in.

"Dean have any luck finding Karen?" he asked. She'd done a runner to escape the charges and Colby had decided not to get involved. It was a conflict of interests (among other things) and he hoped if Dean really needed help, he would come to him.

"Nah, he's back though. He seems okay. Whatcha doing?" she asked, dumping some takeaway on the kitchen bench. Colby folded his laptop closed. He could've lied, it would've been easier, but that wouldn't help him on his way to becoming a better person.

"Therapy homework."

"Oh," she said, coming over to sit with him. "How's it all going?"

"Yeah, alright. It's a process but I think it's helping."

"That's great," she offered with a smile. She was a good mate, he literally didn't know what he would have done without her the past few months. And she was even more incredible because he knew she was dealing with issues of her own. Addiction was never cured, but she was working really hard to keep on top of it and not relapse into that destructive behaviour. Because of that, she understood some of what he was going through.

"I'm working on self-forgiveness," he admitted. "But there's only so far I can go on my own. I need to talk to Dean. Really talk to him. But I have no idea how to do that."

She was silent for a minute, and he could see the thoughts racing through her head. She knew Dean better than anyone, had been there through all the toughest times. She was Dean's mate first, but he also knew that she would want to help them fix this, because he honestly believed that Dean needed this closure as much as he did.

"That could end really badly," she said carefully.

"I know. I don't wanna put him through anymore grief. It could really help but, don't you think?"

"You really messed with him, Colby."

"I know. That's why we have to do this. My therapist reckons it might help. She said she could be there to help us."

"Dean in therapy?" Willow said, half laughing, mostly from disbelief.

"I know," Colby sighed, half smiling too, because he knew what a long shot it was. "She said if he cares, he'd probably say yes."

"Well we both know he does. You don't get tied up in knots like Dean is, over someone you don't care about."

"The thing is," Colby said. "If we did do this, we'd have to be completely honest. And if Rena is there, she'd have to know everything. I can't blindside her about the accident."

"Oh," Willow said, understanding exactly what he meant. "That's a big call to make."

"Even if I got in trouble, but me and Dean got better, wouldn't it be worth it?"

"You're talking about prison and losing your career. You have to really think about this."

But he knew the answer already, he needed to do whatever it took.

"I'm pretty sure I've had my fill of thinking about all this."

She heard what he was saying. She reached out and squeezed his hand, offering him a tight smile. Whatever happened next, he knew she'd be there.

"Thanks, Willow."

"Now c'mon," she said. "Our dinner is getting cold."

\---

"How are you, Colby?" Rena asked.

"Honestly, things got weird this week."

"How so?"

"Dean's mum rolled into town. She's a loose cannon and she got into some trouble. I had to deal with her officially."

"That makes things awkward between you?"

"Yeah, especially because she tried it on with me. A favour for a favour kind of thing. It was... I don't even know what to say. I've known her since I was a little kid."

Rena gave him a thoughtful look.

"Did it raise any issues for you?" That was a careful way of asking about the worst kind of child abuse.

"No, nothing like that. It was embarrassing more than anything, having to tell Dean his mum did that."

"You spoke about it?"

"I couldn't lie to him."

"That's a big step. You should be proud."

He wasn't too sure about that.

"If I'd known all it took was having my best mates mum crack onto me, maybe we could have saved a whole lot of time here."

She almost smiled.

"How are you going with your exercises?"

"I think I've gone about as far as I can without talking to Dean."

"You think you're ready now?"

"Yes. I want us to be honest, and I think we need your help with that. But that also means I need to be honest with you. As one professional to another, I respect you, and I understand that you have to do what you think is right..."

"I appreciate that," she said carefully, obviously sensing that something difficult was coming. "I'm listening."

"I'm sure you've noticed that I avoid talking about when I left Dean."

"Yes. It's traumatic for you."

"It's more than that. If you're gonna talk to him, you need to know this. It's why he can't forgive me. It was a car accident. Dean was driving, it all happened so fast..."

Even before they'd looked like crashing he'd been in a state of panic, half out of his mind worrying about Bella and what that monster might do to her.

"The car was stolen, he did it because I asked him to. My stepdad took off with my mum and sister, we were trying to get them back. We crashed, I got away, he didn't. I left him there and he went to prison for it. I became a cop and he ended up with a record. Another friend of ours, Jai, he died."

For the first time since he'd known her, she didn't know what to say. He didn't blame her.

"See? He's right. I shouldn't be forgiven."

"No, I'm sorry. I just don't want to say the wrong thing."

"I'm sure you can't say anything I haven't already told myself."

It was selfish. It was cowardly. Dean hadn't deserved to be betrayed like that.

"I think," she said carefully. "That this is big step forward. You tend to expect the worst, so telling me this is brave of you. And you're owning what you've done. That's a positive thing."

He was wrong, he'd never told himself he was brave.

"I broke the law. I threw a mate under the bus to get what I wanted."

"Did it feel like that at the time?"

"No. All I could think about was Bella..." It hadn't taken long to start thinking about himself though. He'd already had his application for the academy approved, knew he was leaving town. He'd just been putting off attending, waiting for Dean to get a player contract so they could both get out. He'd never meant to leave Dean behind. But he'd heard sirens, and that had always been a bad thing. And then when the dust had settled, if he'd gone back, seen Dean in trouble, that would have been it. They'd have both been stuck in Mangrove River forever. He'd talked himself into believing Dean wouldn't have wanted that for him.

"How do you feel about it now?"

Now he knew that the place didn't matter, only the people did. And the one that was the most important, he'd left to suffer unfairly, because being alone, being without each other, was the worst punishment of all.

"Say what you're thinking."

And he knew this was the crux of the whole thing.

"I should have put him first."

"We can't live our lives for other people. We have to do what we think is right for us."

"Even when the cost is this high?"

"What do you think would have happened if you'd stayed?"

They probably both would have ended up in prison. Dean in juvie, but Colby had been nineteen, he'd have been tried and sentenced as an adult. Even if he'd stayed, they'd have ended up in different places. But Dean would have known. Known where he was, and that he cared, and that when they'd done their time they'd be together again.

"I wish I'd never given him a reason to doubt he's what matters most."

He would have lost his shot at joining the force, but had it really ended up being a better thing than being with Dean?

"Why did you join the police? You said your father was a police officer."

It was a perceptive question to ask.

"That was the reason I first applied. But after Bella got taken away, I knew it would be the best way to find her."

And it had been something to throw himself into, he had to totally focus on his studies and training and there'd been no time to think about anything else. Anyone else.

But now that he thought back on it, applying in the first place had been a selfish decision too. He'd just wanted to be like his dad, like what he thought the ideal man should be, he didn't wanna turn out to be a hopeless child-beater like the 'man' that had raised him. He'd probably had lofty ideas about helping people in similar situations too, kids that had no one to turn to, but he shouldn't have been thinking about strangers, he should have been focused on the people he already knew who needed him.

"When my mum figured out what I was doing, she freaked out. That was how she lost him, my dad. She'd always been hard to reach after Dad was gone, but that tipped it over the edge. She screamed at me, told me I wasn't allowed to be a cop, but she'd been absent for so long, I couldn't let her tell me what to do. I didn't think she deserved a say, not after what she'd let him do to me all those years."

He'd never spoken about this, never even really let himself think about it. No doubt it was part of the reason he'd never heard from her again.

He was so angry with her, his hands were actually shaking when he looked down. He clamped them together to make them stop. No matter how sad she'd been, he still didn't understand how she could stand by and let that happen. Obviously she didn't have a problem with running away, maybe that's where he got it from, so why couldn't they have all run away together? Why couldn't she have packed him and Bella up and just got the hell out?

"She left me behind."

Rena fixed a steady look on him, like she'd made a connection he hadn't.

"Maybe it's time to forgive her."

And it hit him then. This was exactly what he was asking of Dean. And it was a damn near impossible thing to do.

"Dean's never gonna forgive me," he realised.

"You don't know that. You can't put thoughts in other people's heads. All you need to do is focus on being the person you want to be. Give Dean support when he asks for it, so he knows you're there. And when you think it's right, you can ask him to talk to you. Giving up now is not the answer."

God, he felt wrecked. He hadn't even realised how much resentment he'd been carrying. But again, Rena was right, burying his head in the sand or giving up, wasn't the answer.

"I'll see you next week?" Rena asked.

He thought of Karen, who had never faced up to her problems, and now she was going around hitting on her son's mates. He never wanted to end up that desperate or out of control.

"Yeah," he said. "You will."


	13. Chapter 13

The next time Colby saw Dean he was laying on an ambulance stretcher. Seeing him like that was scary, and Colby immediately rushed to his side to check he was okay. But Dean didn't hear his questions, he was too focused on his mother, and what was happening to her.

"It's okay, mate. They've got her," Colby tried to assure him, as the ambos loaded her up.

"It was an accident, Mum! You'll be alright!" Dean was telling her, trying to get off the stretcher to get to her.

But they'd both been exposed to the gas, and Dean had a nasty bump on his head too. The ambos were trying to assess it, but Dean wouldn't hold still.

"Hey, c'mon," Colby said, laying a hand on Dean's shoulder. "You've gotta let them do their job."

"I'm fine," Dean argued, still trying to see what was happening with Karen, but they'd shut the back of the ambulance for the ride to hospital.

Dean finally looked at him.

"Promise me she'll be okay."

He knew what Dean was asking, but he didn't know if that was a promise he could keep, and he didn't want to lie.

"I'll do what I can," he offered.

The ambos loaded Dean up, and Colby followed them to the hospital. Of course he wanted to make sure Dean was alright, but he also still hadn't gotten a statement from Karen over the Palmer incident, let alone whatever had happened in that caravan.

He'd told the other cops that Dean's injury was from falling when the gas caused him to pass out, but he wasn't so sure.

Once Tori had given Dean the all clear, Colby pulled him aside. He was worried about Dean, and he knew how irrational he could be when it came to his mother.

"How are you?"

"I'd be fine if people stopped asking me that."

He hated seeing Dean in this situation, desperately defending a mother that had continually let him down. But Colby wasn't just another cop, he'd been there to see all the mind games and neglect that came before this. He wanted Dean to know he was here for him, and that he didn't have to pretend he was okay.

"I just want to make sure you're alright."

"It's Mum I'm worried about."

Dean had always done his best to protect his mother, but she was reckless and unpredictable, and it was an impossible task for him to achieve on his own. Growing up, there had been no help, so he just had to deal with it, but it didn't have to be like that anymore. Colby was in a position to help them both now, if Dean would just work with him, they could get Karen the help she so desperately needed. But to do that, he had to have all the facts.

"Dean, what really happened?"

He knew he was asking Dean to trust him, knew how hard that was for him, but surely with this, Dean must know he would only do what was best for both Dean and his mother.

Dean turned on him, anger flashing in his eyes.

"You drop this right now, or I swear I'll never forgive you."

Stunned silence followed. It was a declaration neither of them had expected to come out like that.

It hurt, but he tried not to hold it against Dean, knowing how stressed out he was about this whole situation, and that he would do anything to protect his mother. All Colby wanted was for Dean to be okay, and to know that he was here for him no matter what.

He surrendered, reaching out and brushing his fingers over Dean's bruised temple.

"You make sure you take care of this," he said, letting Dean know wouldn't ask any more questions, and hoping Dean knew he was talking about more than the physical injury. Dean gave him a nod, a thank you for keeping the secret, and somehow in that brief moment, it almost felt like they were in this together again.

\---

Man, that was a close one. If Willow hadn't showed up when she had, he and his mum might be dead.

He knew it was an accident, but it scared him, that his mum was so out of control she hadn't even realised the danger she'd put them both in.

Maybe Colby and Willow were right, maybe it was time to let someone who knew what they were doing deal with this. Today could have gone so much worse.

What if Willow had opened that door to find two bodies? Or he and Colby never got to sort things out? It wasn't like he hadn't had a near death experience before, but this time his mum was involved. And what if she'd died and he been left behind? Or what if he'd died and she had to live with the guilt of killing him? He knew what that felt like. Jai was dead because of him, he didn't want his mum to ever go through that.

Right now it was fresh and he was convinced that getting help was the best thing to do, but he knew this certainty would fade, doubt would creep in, so he had to act on this clarity while he had it.

"I'm doing this for you," he told his unconscious mother, and then headed out to find Colby, who hadn't left the hospital since all this had happened.

"You got them papers?"

"Um, yeah," Colby said handing them over. Then Colby gave him a pen.

Dean sat down determinedly, but then he hesitated. Could he really do this? His mum was gonna hate him for it.

"You're doing the right thing," Willow assured. She'd had to put her dad in a home when he got too sick for her to manage by herself, so maybe she knew. But once he signed this, there was no taking it back.

"Sign it and I can handle the rest if you want..." Colby offered. Dean looked up, eyes connecting with Colby's, and part of him wanted to hand it over, let Colby take care of things like he used to, but he couldn't bring himself to be reliant on Colby. He'd never do that again.

"No," he said, scribbling his signature across the form. "If I'm man enough to sign this, I gotta be man enough to tell her."

He stood up, there was no point dragging it out anymore. But by the time he got back to her room to break the news, his mum had disappeared.

It didn't take long to track her down, she was on the beach, and even through all her crazy, she knew what was coming.

"Mum, it's for your own good," he told her.

"But you're all I need Deano, you've always taken good care of me."

She was desperate, she didn't believe that, he hadn't been able to do anything for her when he was in prison or since. Maybe he actually didn't have the right to make this call, she'd been doing okay before he came back into her life. But he'd already signed the papers...

"Mum, please stop. Just get some help. You can be well then."

"Please, no," she begged. "Don't send me away." He had no idea how to get through to her, and she was clinging to him like he was all she had, because he was all she had. He couldn't...

Then Colby was there, coaxing her off.

"It's okay," he said. "I've got her." And Dean had to surrender, had to admit he couldn't do this on his own. Alone, he wasn't strong enough.

When Colby took his mum away, Willow was there, and he needed her. Needed to feel like he wasn't alone. He reached for her, and she wrapped him up, and as he stood there in her arms, watching over her shoulder while Colby lead his mother away, he wished it was Colby holding him. But Colby was doing his job and he wouldn't have wanted to leave his mum to any other cop anyway. He knew what he wanted was impossible, knew Colby couldn't be both those things, so he held onto Willow tighter and tried not to think about the things he couldn't have.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that the first part of this chapter deals pretty heavily with anxiety. A lot of it is probably irrational and illogical, but damn it seems real and totally plausible when you're in the middle of it.

Time was a funny thing when you were wound up this tight. Days felt like an eternity, the nights even longer, yet a week seemed to fall off the calendar with no memory of where it had gone.

Colby was struggling. He'd been doing okay, felt like he was getting on top of things, but he was suddenly full of doubt and second guessing himself at work. Occasionally he found silly mistakes in his paperwork, things he could fix without anyone noticing, but it scared him, because on the surface, he thought he had it under control. Mistakes were forgivable in the office, but in the field they might not be. And what if he fainted again?

Sometimes his throat felt swollen, and he thought he couldn't breathe properly. He had to keep telling himself it was all in his head, there was nothing physically wrong with him, he'd be dead a hundred times over by now if his throat actually was closed up. It made eating even more of a chore, he kept thinking he was going to choke, every mouthful was like walking a tightrope between rationality and insanity.

He told Rena about it. She said it was an anxiety lump. He knew it was a manifestation of guilt. He was scared it was going to stay there for the rest of his life, it was all he could think about sometimes. It was kind of like that tight feeling just before you cried, except he couldn't make himself cry, and it just wouldn't go away.

He needed to talk to Dean, but he was terrified to ask. He found himself watching TV at two in the morning, anything to pass the time till the sun came up, reruns of shows he really liked, familiar comforts to soothe him. He knew how these stories ended, and that these people wouldn't let him down, or maybe it was that he couldn't let them down.

He had to keep telling himself it was a rough patch, it would pass. It didn't feel like that though.

_One foot in front of the other, just focus on the next step, and whatever you do, don't let anyone see just how fucked up you really are. They think you're getting better, they won't understand, you don't want to disappoint them, do you?_

He didn't wanna be like this, it wasn't him. He felt like his anxiety was a separate entity to himself, it wasn't hard to get why people used to believe in possession, the way it managed to twist you, to pray on your insecurities, to change the rules just when you got the latest fear under control. It was a battle, a fight to reclaim the person you knew you could be.

He found himself falling back into old thought patterns, justifying every bad decision by claiming it was for Bella. But then his thoughts would cycle back around to Dean, to the plans they'd had, the promises he had broken, and the panic gripped him again. How could he do what he'd done? It was so terrible, so utterly thoughtless, he was the worst kind of person. He didn't deserve forgiveness, but he did deserve every second of this hell he was going through. Didn't he?

He thought about asking Rena for something to take the edge off. But he'd have to declare it. Then there'd be questions. Was there a register somewhere? A list of all the people who'd given in and taken crazy pills? Would the bank give you a home loan if you were on that list? Maybe they'd think you were too unreliable to make the repayments.

And what if someone noticed he was falling apart? What if he lost his job? What if he couldn't pay rent? He didn't wanna be a burden on anyone.

God, why couldn't he switch off? He just wanted it all to stop. For a brief moment his mind flashed to his sidearm. That would be so quick and easy. But he'd be leaving Dean behind again. He banished the dangerous thought.

But he needed something, and the easiest drug to get was already on hand. He went to the kitchen, twisted the top off some whiskey and drank it straight from the bottle.

\---

Dean planned on hitting the waves early. Usually the beach was empty at this time of day, but when he headed down he saw a familiar figure sitting in the sand. He headed over.

"What's up?" he asked Colby.

Colby aimed a not-so-subtle look at his crotch.

"Not what I'd like to be..."

Okay, that was... unexpected. Dean wasn't exactly sure where to go from there.

"Relax," Colby said, drawing the word out. "I'm not gonna jump your bones. Been there, done that. Fucked us both up, right?"

There was something wrong with this picture.

"Are you drunk?"

"No," Colby giggled.

"It's 6:30 in the morning."

"Or maybe it's 6:30 in the night, like if you haven't been to bed..."

"You've been here all night?"

Colby shrugged. That was when Dean noticed the empty Johnny Walker bottle that had been tossed across sand.

"What is that?"

Colby looked over at the bottle, then back up at Dean.

"You said the beach was too clean."

"Mate, this isn't a good look."

"I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks."

Dean gave him an unimpressed look.

"You need to go to bed."

"What? No..." Colby dismissed.

He was plastered. Dean gave up on the idea of surfing.

"Seriously mate, come on," he said, helping Colby up. "You're lucky it's Saturday."

"What? You think crooks take the weekend off?"

"Just shut up and come on."

"No," Colby said, taking a drunken stand. "What is it you think I do at work?"

"I never really thought about it," Dean lied.

"Police work is important."

"I'm sure it is," Dean allowed. "Which means you need to get some sleep."

"Fine," Colby agreed sarcastically, holding his arm out so Dean could prop him up. He dumped his board and did like Colby expected.

It wasn't too far back to Colby's flat. Getting up the stairs was interesting, but they finally made it inside.

Dean led Colby to his bedroom.

"There's the bed. Use it."

"Is that an invitation?" Colby grinned.

"No." Drunk sex was the worst, especially if you were sober.

"Go on," Dean said, encouraging Colby to get some rest.

"But couldn't you stay too?" Colby insisted. He didn't want what Colby was implying, but he was worried.

"Lay down."

Colby gave him a drunken smile and hopped onto the bed, patting the spot beside him. This was a bad idea, but Dean carried on anyway. There wasn't much point in turning sensible now. He sat down where Colby wanted him too.

"I thought you said we have to lay down."

Dean rolled his eyes and put his head on the pillow. Colby snuggled in behind him. This wouldn't take long, Colby would crash soon, then he could leave him to it.

But Colby was pulling the neck of Dean's t-shirt down, instead of trying to sleep.

"Hey, we have matching tattoos..."

"Yeah," Dean agreed. Then he felt Colby's lips against his skin.

"I love you. So much."

"Yep. I got that already. Now go to sleep."

Colby wrapped an arm around him and nestled in close.

"How good would it be if we could do this all the time?"

"What? Get shit-faced down at the beach till dawn? We used to do that."

"No, I mean fall asleep together."

They used to do that too.

"Well you better stop talking if you think that's gonna happen."

"When did you get so boring?"

"Charming..."

"I still love you though," Colby assured, adjusting himself so they were pressed as tightly together as they could be.

He waited until Colby was snoring softly, then he nipped back down to the beach to grab his board. The waves looked good, but he turned his back on them, and headed back to Colby's place.

Colby was still asleep when he poked his head in the bedroom door. Dean was willing to bet it had been a while since he'd got any of that.

He decided to settle in on the couch for the day. He didn't have anywhere else to be and he suspected Colby was gonna be a bit of a mess when he woke up. And thanks to his criminal activities, Dean wasn't too bad at cleaning those up these days.

\---

Colby reached for his phone, he felt rotten. 2:12. AM? But the sun was shining. He sat up. Bad idea, his head was pounding. He didn't remember how he'd ended up here like this.

He was still wearing yesterday's clothes, he needed a shower, and some paracetamol.

He got up, waiting till his head settled, then headed out to the kitchen.

Dean was on the couch. Now he really wished he could remember details.

"Hey..."

Dean turned to him, a pitying smile forming on his face.

"Oh mate, you look like crap."

"I feel it," he said, downing a couple of pills. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure you don't disgrace yourself."

That didn't sound good.

"Oh man... What did I do?"

Dean got up and came over, leaning on the kitchen bench across from him.

"Nothing too bad. Just boozed it up on the beach till dawn."

"How'd I get back here?"

"Well I couldn't leave you there..."

That was true friendship.

"Thanks mate."

They looked at each other, something unspoken passing between them, but Colby couldn't take too much more of that pitying look.

"I'm gonna go take a shower."

"What do you want to eat? I'll run downstairs and grab something."

"I dunno," Colby shrugged. "Something greasy."

They hoed into a couple of bacon and egg rolls. At least it was good to see Colby eating.

Dean was trying to decide if he should say anything about all this.

"What?" Colby said.

"Nothing," Dean answered.

"You've got that look."

"I don't have a look."

"There's something on your mind."

"Fine," Dean relented. "How long have you been drinking like this?"

Colby tensed. That was the last thing Dean wanted. Maybe he should drop it, it wasn't really any of his business anyway.

"It's not a problem," Colby stated.

"Never said it was."

"I just needed a break."

"From what?"

Colby gave him a pained look, Dean had a feeling the answer might be him. He hated what they were doing to each other.

His mind flashed back to something else that had happened right here. Walking in, finding Colby dead on the floor, doing CPR on him till the ambulance arrived. That had been scary as hell. And he'd had his own brush with death not so long ago, it seemed stupid to keep making themselves, and each other, miserable. But even near-death experiences didn't really change anything. Nothing seemed to.

"The endless shit that goes on in here," Colby said, poking a finger at his temple.

"About me?" The words were out before Dean could stop them.

Colby's shoulders sagged.

"This isn't your fault. I've only got myself to blame, right?"

Colby was throwing his words back at him. Dean wasn't angry though, he was worried more than anything.

"How do we fix this?"

Colby gave him a surprised look.

"Do you honestly want to?"

"We can't keep going on like this."

Something was on the tip of Colby's tongue but he seemed reluctant to say it.

"What?" Dean pressed. "Tell me."

Colby looked up, determination in his eyes.

"Come to counselling with me."

"What? You want me to see a shrink?" There were things in his head he never wanted to look at again, let alone allow anyone else to see.

"I want us to. Together. Rena's great. And I promise if you get uncomfortable, you can leave."

Promises from Colby weren't worth much, and Dean didn't want some stranger picking their problems to pieces, they had a tough enough time dealing with them on their own.

He thought of being on the stand in court, of stuffy, over-privileged, university-educated people asking him questions they couldn't possibly really understand the implications of, or answers to.

"She knows. About the accident. I had to tell her."

"What?" That was their secret. One Dean had suffered long and hard to keep.

"She won't tell anyone."

"That wasn't only your secret to tell."

Dean got up. Why did he keep falling back into this? Keep thinking Colby would change? That Colby would ever consider him?

"Dean, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You never do. But that doesn't stop it from happening."

"Forget I asked," Colby pleaded, trying to save a situation that was already too far gone. That shrink wasn't gonna forget what she knew.

"Dean, c'mon. Don't go."

He wondered if those words would have been all it took to stop Colby running off after the accident. Well, one thing he did know was that they weren't gonna work now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got shit-faced on Greenall's to 'research' and write the second part of this chapter. Always wanted to try fic writing when pissed. How'd I do?


	15. Chapter 15

Dean was too angry to do it himself, but someone needed to make sure Colby hadn't done something (else) stupid. He was probably having a massive sook that Dean hadn't gone along with his dumb shrink idea, and that probably meant he hadn't eaten anything for the last two days.

They had community service now, and he knew Willow was the best person to ask. She arrived with only a minute to spare.

"Can you please check on Colby."

"Well hello to you too," she said, fishing a hi-vis vest out of the box. He didn't have time for mucking around.

"I'm serious. Who knows what the hell he'll do next."

She turned and focused on him, finally getting that this was important.

"What happened?" she frowned.

Dean dropped his voice so no one else would hear.

"He blabbed to the shrink about the accident."

"Oh..." She didn't sound too surprised.

"You knew about this?"

"Thompson! Harris!" Palmer yelled. "Quit gas-bagging."

Dean threw him an annoyed look and grabbed the tools he'd need for planting this stupid grass on the dunes. Willow grabbed what she needed too, so they could walk and talk.

"I mean, I knew he was thinking about it. He wants so much to make this right, Dean."

"Did you know he's also got a stupid idea in his head that I should see the shrink?"

"Is it really that stupid?" Willow challenged. "Colby and I talk to professionals."

Dean dumped his gear in the sand, thinking back on Colby's bender.

"Fat lot of good it's doing him."

"What about your mum?" Willow tried. "She's doing better, isn't she?"

Well that remained to be seen. It was all good and well to take your pills at the hospital, when they set her loose they'd find out how effective the treatment was.

"For now."

He grabbed a mallet and a couple of stakes, and viciously started pounding them into the ground.

Palmer came over.

"Maybe you wanna try planting the plant before you put the guard around an empty patch of sand."

Yeah yeah, everyone else always knew better. Dean scowled up at the old man.

"Maybe you wanna-"

"Sure, John," Willow intervened, reaching out and laying a hand on Dean's arm. "We'll try that."

Palmer wandered off, mumbling something about criminals and intelligence levels.

"Getting him offside isn't going to achieve anything," Willow said.

She was right, but he was a bit on edge.

"Colby shouldn't have talked."

"Maybe he needed to."

"And he always gets what he wants."

"Don't be childish. What did he say when he asked you? Do you really think he would have done this without thinking it through?"

"Who knows what goes on in his head."

He thought of Colby's admission about why he'd turned to booze. The haunted look on his face...

"So, go to therapy with him and maybe you'll find out."

Could it really be that easy? Front up, talk about feelings and shit, and then everything would be sweet between them? That shrink would be a miracle worker if she pulled it off.

"Don't you have things you want to say to him too?" Willow asked.

Even if he did, why did they have to say them in front of a stranger?

"No."

She sat her spade down and turned a knowing look on him.

"You might be able to fool the rest of the world, but this is me you're talking to. I was there when you'd wake up in hospital reaching for him. We waited and waited. And now he's back, and you're both total messes. You guys need to sort this and you've proved you can't do it on your own. If the therapist already knows about the accident, what have you got to lose by trying?"

He wanted to argue, but he had nothing.

"You care about him," Willow insisted.

"No, I don't." That was a lie, but he wanted it to be true. Things would be so much easier if it was. Maybe if he said it enough times...

"First thing you said when you saw me today was that I had to check on him. Don't miss this opportunity because you're scared."

Is that what he was doing? Trying to turn this around and make Colby the bad guy so he didn't have to face up to what might happen if they did talk? But Colby was the bad guy, he was the one that had done the wrong thing, back then by running off, and now by spilling the secret.

It was an endless loop of blame and suffering. Both he and Colby knew that. They had been talking about it, had reached the conclusion that they couldn't carry on like they had been, when Colby brought up the whole counselling thing.

"Dean," Willow said, softening her tone. "All I want is for you to be okay. And I think for that to happen, you and Colby need to sort out where you stand with each other. You can't go on like this."

He couldn't say she was wrong. Maybe it was time to get it all out there and move on with their lives.

"Where's Palmer?"

"I dunno," Willow frowned, looking around. "I can't see him."

"Good." Dean pulled out his phone and messaged Colby.

**What time do we have to be at the shrinks?**

\---

He'd fucked up. Again. It was becoming an art form. Admittedly he could've addressed the subject of therapy at a better time, but Dean had just seemed so ready for them to move forward, so he went for it.

The outcome was exactly what he'd feared. He'd asked Dean to go to counselling and Dean had snapped it, didn't want a bar of it, saw it as Colby being selfish again.

He hit refresh on Bella's Facebook page, nothing new in the last thirty seconds. Why was he so fixated on lost causes?

The funny thing about the Dean situation though, was that he actually felt a little better. It had gone from a sharp panic to a dull ache. It was done now, the bad thing had happened. He didn't have to worry about it anymore.

He and Dean couldn't sort things out, they were never going to work. At least this way maybe they could move on now.

"Hey man," Robbo said, starting out cheerful enough but then he must have taken the time to look. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Colby dismissed, shutting the laptop. He didn't need to drag anyone else into all his drama.

The thing about Robbo though was that he was an ex-cop. He'd been a fed, so he was good at reading people, literally trained in spotting bullshit.

He sat down on the couch next to Colby and turned a concerned look on him.

Robbo didn't talk much, but when he did it was because he had something real to say.

"I noticed your mates haven't been around as much lately..."

That was an astute observation.

"They've had a lot on. Dean needed to get his mum sorted out."

Of course that was an excuse, it had been weeks since Karen had been admitted to hospital and Dean wasn't allowed to see her. He wasn't busy, just done with it all.

"You two are pretty tight."

"We were once. A long time ago."

Robbo took a second, probably deciding if he was prying or being a good mate, obviously coming to the conclusion that Colby was in pretty desperate need of a friend. He didn't know whether to be grateful for or offended by that.

"What happened between you guys?"

Where did he begin? With the accident? But Dean had freaked out last time he told someone about that. Maybe with the latest string of wounds and disappointments? But really there was one thing it always came back to.

"I let him down."

"Oh," Robbo said, looking internally for a moment. And Colby could see it on his face, the pain, the knowledge of exactly what this felt like.

Colby had tried using alcohol to chase it away, but there were other ways to forget.

Robbo looked up at him with the same tortured look Colby saw every time he looked in the mirror.

"I've let people down too..." Colby knew about his wife and kids, about Kat Chapman and her baby. Robbo knew this pain, the constant wish to take back the mistakes, he was suffering too. But maybe it didn't have to be like this, maybe there was a way he could help them both out.

Colby leaned forward, slid his hand behind Robbo's head, and pressed their mouths together. Maybe for a while they could both forget...

Robbo pushed him off.

"What the hell...?"

"I..." But what could he say? The mood had totally changed, and Robbo didn't look too keen on listening anymore.

"What makes you think I'd wanna..." Robbo said with a mixture of confusion and anger, getting up, heading for the door.

But they had to live together Colby realised. He had to fix this.

He got up to follow.

"Robbo wait!" he called from the front door. "Just let me-"

But Robbo was halfway down the stairs already.

"I'm not gay, alright?!" Robbo yelled back, dodging around someone coming up the stairs, before disappearing past the bait shop.

This was bad. And when he realised who was on the stairs, and who was waiting at the bottom, it became so much worse.

Yep, a goddamn art form.

\---

"I'm gonna go over to Colby's. Come with me," Willow said when community service was done for the day.

Dean didn't think that was a good idea.

"Come on," she said, pulling on his arm. "I know you're worried."

They walked over the hill to Colby's place.

Dean hesitated at the bottom of the stairs. Colby hadn't replied to his message. What if something was wrong and it was his fault?

"You coming?" Willow checked.

"You go. I'll wait here."

"Fine."

As she marched up the steps, Dean's heart thudded in his chest, she could literally find anything waiting up there.

Suddenly the front door flew open and Robbo was bolting down the steps. Colby was yelling at him to wait.

What the hell had happened there?

"I'm not gay, alright?!" Robbo yelled back.

Oh...

Then Robbo was gone and Dean's eyes connected with Colby's. It didn't matter how mad he wanted to be at Colby, he couldn't keep it up in the face of that wounded look.

Colby disappeared inside. Willow shared a shocked look with Dean before she followed him.

Dean wasn't exactly sure what to do now. Should he just go? Colby obviously had other stuff going on besides their dramas. Or should he go up there? Maybe Willow needed help...

Well, he couldn't handle not knowing, so he headed up to see what was happening for himself.

Inside Colby was pacing around, raving on about screwing up again, and Willow was having no luck calming him down.

On his next lap Colby spun around and stopped dead when he spotted him.

The look on his face was a killer. God he was ridiculously beautiful when he was sad, and Dean had never been able to resist the pull of it, the urge to make it all better.

"Dean..."

It was pained, and it was a plea. Another request for forgiveness. Like Colby had just been caught cheating, except that they weren't together and Colby could hook up with whoever he wanted. But even though he knew they'd never be together, he hated the thought of Colby with someone else. Not because he was jealous and wanted Colby for himself, just because he knew he was the only one that could ever really understand or give Colby what he needed.

God, how did Colby manage to tear him up him like this? He knew he shouldn't be the one to fix Colby's problems, but how could he refuse when he looked like that?

"What happened?"

"I..." Colby faltered.

Dean took a step forward.

"It's okay..."

Colby shook his head.

"I just needed... I mean, he was there..."

"What did you do?"

But Colby wouldn't say anything, and Dean couldn't stand seeing that look on his face any longer.

So he closed the distance between them and wrapped Colby up in his arms. Colby was so messed up. They both were. But he wanted Colby to know he was here.

Colby held onto him so tight.

"It was only because you weren't there..." he confessed.

If these were the kinda things that were gonna happen, they really needed to get this sorted before Colby landed himself in some real trouble.

"I'm gonna come to the shrink with you."

"What?" Colby said, pulling back enough to see Dean's face.

"We can go to the shrink like you wanted. See if it helps."

"I don't want you to do it because you think you have to."

"I'm not." Colby didn't look convinced. "Check your phone. I already decided."

Colby grabbed his phone off the kitchen bench, the message was there, hours old now.

Colby looked up, almost disbelievingly.

"Why?"

"This needs to end."

At first Colby looked hurt, but then Dean could see the truth of those words settling on him, as much as he might not like it, he had to accept it was time.

"I don't wanna feel like this anymore," Colby softly admitted.

"Me neither," Dean agreed. It was too hard.

"When's the appointment?" Willow asked. They'd both forgotten she was there.

"Thursday," Colby told her.

"Okay," she nodded. "Let's just all try keeping it together until then."

Dean nodded. Colby didn't look so sure.

"What am I gonna do about Robbo?"

Dean and Willow shared a look, and he knew what she was thinking. There wasn't really another option so he gave her a nod.

"We'll help you," she said.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I sat down to write this chapter, I had no idea what it would be. I thought maybe they would talk it out and that would be that. But Dean, oh man... He said some things I didn't expect and made me realise some things about my own life. Damn this fic has been intense, but it's helping me in ways I never imagined. I owe these boys, and I'm so glad I have them in my life. Don't ever let anyone tell you fanfiction is meaningless.

"Dean," she smiled, holding out her hand. "I'm Rena. It's lovely to meet you."

She was looking at him like she knew him already. Maybe she thought she did, God only knew what Colby had told her about him.

"Hey," he greeted, shaking her hand.

Colby looked positively thrilled to be here, but Dean couldn't say the same. He knew he needed to be, but he didn't know this sheila from a bar of soap, and she was about to ask him some really personal questions. It didn't really seem fair. Well, they did say the best defence was a good offence.

She had him on the back foot already, maybe he could even the playing field.

"What's your deal?"

"My deal?" she frowned, but he wasn't gonna let her shrink him.

"Yeah. You wanna know all about us, how about you offer something up?"

She accepted the challenge without hesitation.

"I have a son, he's about your age. I raised him alone. I'm married now, to an older man. His family didn't approve but we went ahead with it anyway."

"Why didn't they approve?"

"They thought I was after his money."

"Were you?"

"Dean!" Colby admonished, but the shrink didn't seem to mind.

"It's alright, Colby. This is all about honesty." She turned back to him, looking him steadily in the eye, proving she had nothing to hide. "No. I love him. He had faith in me when no one else did. Anything else?"

"Not for now..." Dean allowed. Colby was right, she was good. He kinda liked her already.

"Okay. You're here today to talk to each other. I'm only here to help you do that. For this to work you both have to be patient and willing to listen. Colby, why don't you start with why you asked Dean here today."

Colby looked like a deer in the headlights for a second.

"Oh, I, um... I guess I need to know what it was like-"

"Don't tell me," she gently reminded.

"Right," Colby agreed, shifting to face Dean instead. It all felt a bit ridiculous, but Dean resisted the urge to run out the door for Colby's sake.

Colby took a deep breath and looked up to meet his gaze.

"I need to know what it was like for you. After..."

"After you ran off?"

"Yes."

"What do you think it was like?" Did Colby really think he wanted to relive the worst time in his life?

"Dean," Rena said. "Colby is asking you to be honest. This is your chance to help him understand the full consequences of his actions."

He could feel his leg threatening to bounce, he pushed down on his knee to stop it. He had no idea what to say, how to explain that his whole world had collapsed around him.

"Just say what you're thinking," she prompted.

"It felt like I lost everything." Life had never been easy, but before the accident he'd had a clean record, a real shot at a footy career, his health, the boys, a mother, and a best mate that he would have died for, almost did die for, and who he'd thought would've done the same for him. And in one moment it was all gone because of something Colby had asked him to do.

"I'm sorry."

That was too little, too late. He would never understand how Colby could've left him there like that.

"I dunno, maybe we didn't have what I thought we did." For twelve years, Colby had been his guiding light, and then suddenly everything went dark.

"That's not true. We did. I know you know that."

Because they'd been two years apart in school, classes had felt like they went for forever as he'd waited to see Colby again, at lunchtime, or to hang out after school. And sometimes if one of them was having a really rough day, they hadn't bothered to go at all, preferring to stay together. Weekends had always been joint plans, even during footy season, Colby was there on the sideline watching, and anything they had to do for Brax, well he knew they were a package deal, that whatever he wanted done, there was no point in asking just one of them. And nights when Colby's stepdad hit him, or Dean's mum brought some random new bloke home, they'd find somewhere to go, like Simpson Lane, wherever, didn't matter, as long as they were together.

"Then how could you leave me?"

"I... I don't know. It all happened so fast. I got thrown out of the car. When I woke up all I could think about was Bella. Then I realised what had happened, I heard sirens, and I knew help was on its way. But Bella... Who was gonna help her?"

It was compelling, maybe even true, but a lot of time had gone by between then and now.

"You never came back."

"I had to keep looking."

God, this was so frustrating! Even after everything, Colby was still making excuses. Dean wanted to turn to the shrink and yell at her. _'Isn't it your job to make him understand? He broke me. He was my world, I would have done anything, did do anything, for him, and he still doesn't get it! He was my hero. I want him back. I want him, and us, to be what we used to be!'_

Why couldn't she see that? Why didn't she just fix Colby?

Dean turned to her, she was watching him carefully, and he snapped. He was sick of being a freak show, sick of being the one people blamed for everything.

"I gave up everything for him! My mum, my shot at getting out, my freedom. Do you understand what prison is like? You can't know unless you've been there, and you don't wanna know the things that go on inside those walls..." It had been an unrelenting hell. The things he'd seen, the things he'd done...

He could see it on Colby's face now, the idea about what might have happened. Part of him wanted to leave Colby wondering, show him how not knowing was one of the worst things in the world. But the shrink wasn't going to let him do that, he might as well get in first.

"That didn't happen," he stated, letting Colby off the hook. Tears of relief filled Colby's eyes. "But it could have. I had to put a kid in the hospital to make make sure it didn't. And the whole time I was terrified because I wasn't as strong as I had been. What if I couldn't fight like I used to? What if the next time there were more of them? What if I ended up crippled again?!"

"Dean..." The tears were spilling down Colby's face now, but really, what could he say to ever make this right?

"I don't think there's any point to this," Dean declared, getting up. All they were doing was opening up old wounds, and when had that ever helped anyone? "I think we're done."

\---

Colby stared at the empty doorway that Dean had just left through, his last words echoing through Colby's head.

_I think we're done..._

What if he wasn't just talking about the session?

"I have to go after him," he announced.

"I don't think that's a good idea..." Rena pointed out.

"You don't know what he's like when he's upset. He does stupid things. Things that get him into trouble."

He got up to follow Dean, Rena stood too.

"Let me," she offered.

"Really?"

"It can't be you. I'll make sure he calms down before he goes anywhere."

Did he trust her to do this? Well, she couldn't stuff it up any worse than he already had.

\---

He only got as far as the elevator. He stepped inside, letting his head fall back against the wall. Why did he let Colby keep putting him through the wringer like this?

"Dean?"

He looked up to see the shrink, holding her arm out to stop the door closing.

"Shouldn't you be holding Colby's hand right now?"

"He's more worried about you."

"I don't know what he wants from me. I can't forget what he did."

"No one is saying you have to."

"What was this all about then?"

"May I?" she asked.

He shrugged. It was a free country.

She stepped inside and the door closed behind her.

"Originally it was my idea," she explained. "He was stuck on this one thing, and I thought this would be a way for him to get past it."

"But how can we?"

"Moving on doesn't necessarily mean moving on together. But I think both of you need to find a way to let it go."

"So, what are you saying? I put him in the rear-view mirror?"

"No. I'm saying whatever you decide to do, you have to do _something_. Surely you see how unhealthy your relationship has become."

"What did he tell you?"

They reached the ground floor and the doors slid open. It was his chance to escape but he wanted to know the answer to this question.

"That he loves you, that you can't forgive him, that he can't forgive himself, and that once you meant everything to each other."

That about summed it up.

"But you aren't children anymore, and you've lived lives without each other. You both know you can survive without this. You don't need to be in each other's lives. So what you need to ask yourself is if you want to be. And if you do, you both need to find a way to move on from the past."

That actually made a lot of sense. But he couldn't decide anything right now, he needed time to think. And Colby was up there alone...

"Maybe you better get back to your real patient."

"Colby's needs are no more important than yours. I can't see you both as separate patients, but if you want a recommendation for someone to talk to, I can give you one."

He didn't think that was gonna happen, but he did appreciate the offer. And being treated like Colby's equal because that didn't happen very often.

"Thanks, Doc."


	17. Chapter 17

That shrink of Colby's was smart. She was right, he had lived his whole adult life without Colby. It was possible.

On the other hand, it wasn't much of a life, dead end job to dead end job, arsehole bosses and arsehole landlords. And there was always that feeling that something was missing.

He'd been so happy when Brax had called, asking him to help Ash out. There was a sense of purpose that came with getting the boys back together, united with a common goal. But the shine had worn off pretty quick, most of the boys had moved on with their lives, had families to go back to, but he was still stuck in the old days, had been in prison while everyone else grew up, and he had been left behind again when it was over.

And then there was Ash himself. Long, blonde hair, liked to surf, just the right amount of attitude. And Dean had clung to him, trying to make believe he was someone he wasn't. Though there was another similarity, they were both selfish, and Ash had been so caught up in his own dramas, that he'd left Dean behind without a second thought. Not that there had been the same history there, but it did make him think about how much he wanted Colby in his life again. Trying to replace him with Ash had been a pretty sad and desperate move.

But what if he did walk away like the shrink said? Just went ahead and decided he was done with Colby now that the wondering was over, and moved on? What would he do? Where would he go? Could they live in the same town and just not be in each other's lives? Maybe if he stayed out of trouble with the cops they could.

"Hey Dean!" It was Ryder, the kid had an idea in his head that they were mates. "Wanna play pool?"

Well it wasn't like he had anything better to do...

"Okay."

Inside the surf club, Ryder set up the table.

"What's been happening?"

Well, let's see. In the last couple of weeks he'd had to commit his mum because she'd nearly gassed them both to death, then Colby had dragged him along to see a shrink and they'd had a massive blow up, which was forcing him to decide if he wanted to ditch the most important person in his life forever.

"Nothing much." If they had to talk, he'd rather the conversation be focused on the kid.

"How are your friends?" Dean asked. They'd been in that collapse at Simpson Lane, he knew Ziggy's sister hadn't been hurt, but Justin's sister had. That had been a pretty full on day, and he knew his own life had been totally fucked up since then.

"Coco's fine, and Raffy hasn't had any seizures lately. So that's good."

Dean couldn't help but notice Ryder's heart wasn't entirely in the statement, and it wasn't too hard to figure out the reason why. The kid must feel like shit for taking his mates in there in the first place. Not that it was his fault, bad things just happened, Dean was an expert on that, but still, it must be hard. Technically he should probably shoulder a bit of the blame too, but he had so much other stuff going on, he had no room for that. Anyway, people were responsible for their own actions.

"It wasn't your fault," Dean stated. But he could tell from the look on Ryder's face that the kid didn't believe him. And because Dean had had a gut full of guilt and all the baggage that came with it, he snapped.

"Look, when the bad thing happened, you went for help. You didn't run away. That's all that matters."

As Ryder stood there blinking at him, Dean chucked his cue down on the table.

"I don't feel much like playing anymore."

Then he took off.

He ended up sitting down in the pristine, revegetated sand dunes, licking his wounds again. That shrink had been right about another thing, something had to give.

"Hey dude, are you okay?"

Ryder had come after him. He didn't have the energy left to argue.

"No."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

Ryder sat down beside him anyway.

He had the brief thought that Ryder was too young to get any of this, but that was stupid. Dean had been his age when he'd learned some of the toughest lessons life has to teach, and he'd spent his childhood trying to parent his mother. There was no such thing as too young. He'd met the love of his life when he was five years old for Christ's sake.

"Is it your mum?" Ryder asked. "Because I know how messed up they can be."

"What?"

"Mums. They're messed up. Like my mum would rather be entertaining a bunch of strangers on a cruise ship than looking after me." He was smiling as though it was a joke, but it was obviously a front to hide the pain. Dean knew what that was like.

"Guess I can't blame her," Ryder shrugged. "I'm a lot of work."

Now that was messed up. He didn't know what to say apart from changing the subject.

"No, it's not my mum."

"Then what?" Ryder wanted to know. He looked so desperate to help, to be a good friend. But could Dean really have this conversation with him? Well he didn't have anyone else to talk to, Willow was too close to Colby, and Ryder was one person he knew who just told it like it was. He didn't give a crap about who he might offend, and hearing an honest, unfiltered opinion might be just what Dean needed.

"I'm trying to decide if I should cut Colby out of my life."

"Oh," Ryder frowned. "Why would you want to?"

"I don't..." he began, knowing there should be more to that sentence. That there were explanations that involved betrayal and broken trust, that there were a ton of reasons why having Colby in his life was a bad idea, but that was where the statement ended.

Ryder gave him a puzzled look.

"That's it? It doesn't seem like too tough of a decision to make then. Just go with that."

Could it really be that simple? After all this indecision and heartache could he just let it go? Just let them be like they used to be? But then, that wasn't what Colby wanted. He wanted more. He wanted everything. So, it wasn't that simple after all.

"Well," Ryder said. "I've got a shift at the juice bar now. John'll blow a gasket if I'm late."

Dean could sympathise with that.

Ryder got up.

"You'll be alright?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Anytime," Ryder said with a smile before heading off.

Dean had to admit that had actually helped a little bit. Now he knew he wanted Colby in his life, that much was clear. The thing he had to figure out now was how? Should they just be mates? That would definitely be easier. And safer. Surfing and beers and Colby's bad jokes.

But there was that possibility of something more, something he'd glimpsed a couple of times now, and it could be so good. Those moments were the ones that made life worth living. But what if he committed, what if he gave it his all and Colby tore it all out from under him again? Were a few good moments worth a lifetime of painful ones if it went wrong? Pain seemed to stick better than happiness. And knowing his luck, if it could go wrong, it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore the Dean and Ryder friendship, so I just had to fit it into this fic somewhere :)


	18. Chapter 18

It turned out that psychiatric hospitals weren't cheap. Dean didn't have any savings, and neither did his mum. She had her dole money, he had his apprentice wages, and it wasn't enough. He was going to have to sell the house.

He had only been back there once since he got out of lock up, and that hadn't ended well. His mum had blamed him for abandoning her, got a little bit stab-happy with a nearby kitchen knife, and Willow had convinced him to walk away.

He'd seen it from the outside that day he'd left her the note, and honestly it was a dump. He wouldn't be sorry to let it go.

He ran into Colby at the beach. Dean was just finishing up a surf and Colby was heading in. They hadn't seen much of each other since the blow up at the shrink session. Poor Willow was their go between, so they could each be assured that the other was doing okay. Having that buffer stopped them both from doing something stupid.

"Hey," Colby said, offering him an uncertain smile.

"Hey," Dean said back. He wasn't really sure what else to say, things were just kinda awkward between them now.

"Wanna stick around?" Colby asked. Surfing had always been an easy common ground between them.

"Nah," Dean said. "I have to go pick up mum's stuff."

Colby gave him a careful look.

"Willow told me you're selling the house."

"I need the money," Dean shrugged.

"Are you okay?"

"The place is a dump, I won't miss it."

As Colby looked at him, it was there between the lines, a huge part of their past would be gone.

"I could come with you," Colby offered.

"You don't have to."

"I know. But I'd like to."

Dean couldn't argue with that, not when Colby looked so down.

"Alright. Maybe you can make yourself useful, we can take your ute."

"Yeah, alright," Colby said, brightening a little now that Dean was letting him in.

And he had to do that he realised, start to let Colby in, if they were ever gonna have a hope of figuring out how they fit into each other's lives now.

\---

The last time he'd been on these particular streets of Mangrove River with Dean he had been nineteen years old. Things were looking good, they were all but ready to get out, and then they'd rocked up to Colby's place to find his stepdad shoving Bella in the car. Colby had run, and so had Dean, but they weren't fast enough. He'd taken off and that's when Colby had asked too much. Dean was good with cars, Heath had taught him a lot, including how to steal them, and the neighbours had a suped-up commodore just sitting there on the lawn. Jai was with them, just walking home too after a day working for Brax, and he hadn't hesitated to jump in with them.

They passed by Lansdowne Street where that had happened, Colby didn't look, didn't wanna see that place again. It was only a few blocks to Dean's place, a route he could literally follow with his eyes closed, he'd walked it in the dark often enough, sometimes with his head spinning and stars in front of his eyes, or blood, if his stepdad was in a particularly vicious mood.

They pulled up in the front yard at Dean's place. He had better memories from here, all of them included Dean.

For a minute they both just sat there. Colby was here to support Dean, so he was going to follow Dean's lead today, and wait for him to decide what was next.

"Well," Dean said eventually. "This isn't getting the job done." He climbed out of the ute and Colby followed.

He knew what Dean had said about not missing the place, but it had been the only home he had ever known.

For a second the thought crossed his mind that they could make a new home. Together. A place where they both felt safe and wanted and loved. But he let it go, they were here to deal with reality, not fantasies.

"How long since you've been here?" Colby wondered, as Dean hesitated on the threshold.

"Just that one time..." Dean said. Willow had told him about what Karen had done when Dean tried to come home after he'd been released. It was awful, another reason for Colby to feel guilty, but he locked that away because today wasn't about him.

Dean pushed the door open and they stepped inside. And Colby steeled himself, ready to be whatever Dean needed.

\---

They spent most of the day tidying up and sorting through his mum's stuff. She didn't have much, but there were a few personal things he knew she'd want to keep.

It was late in the afternoon before he worked up the determination to face the last room. Colby hadn't mentioned it either, but Dean knew it must be on his mind too.

Dean headed for his old room, Colby followed. Neither of them said anything, it was too big for words.

Dean reached for the door, expecting to find the room how he'd left it, the memories of countless nights spent here with Colby sleeping beside him, face bruised and tear-stained, tumbling through his mind. It felt like something important was about to happen, but when he pushed the door open, he saw the room had changed. His mum had gotten rid of his bed and stuffed it full of junk, turned the place upside down like none of it had ever mattered. Maybe it hadn't.

He stood there, uncertain of what to do, when Colby moved past him, went over and pulled at the old window.

Dean followed.

It lifted with a soft squeak, bringing back an old memory.

"That was the best and worst sound in the world," Dean remembered.

Colby turned to him, maybe not so different from how he'd been ten years ago, still unrealistically optimistic and a little bit broken.

"I'd come over here when things got rough at home."

"Yeah..." That was the bad part. "But then you'd stay all night."

Standing there in the fading light, looking into Colby's eyes, here in the place where they had shared so much, it was the closest he'd felt to Colby in ages. Like here was the place they could always put everything else aside and just be. No walls, no expectations, no fear. He wanted all that back, so much. But Colby loved him now, wanted him, and Dean wondered if he should finally give in. Just stop fighting and let them be. Part of him wanted to kiss Colby, to say 'it's okay, whatever you want, you can have' but a bigger part of him just wanted to be wrapped up and told that nothing had changed. That no matter what, they had each other's backs.

He knew he didn't want to live without this, but he couldn't forget the pain either. Couldn't risk it again. It'd kill him this time. But for a minute, maybe he could pretend...

He stepped forward, and tucked himself under Colby's chin, and Colby wrapped him up, held him close, like he always should have.

Dean just stood there, pressed against Colby's chest, letting himself be held. He wanted to let go of all his doubts and mistrust, he wanted so much to believe in what they had. Right now, it felt so right, and maybe if he could just forget the past, they could...

The sound of breaking glass broke them apart, both of them instantly on alert. Someone else was in the house.

They crept out, snuck up on the bloke who turned out to be some old hook-up of his mum's, looking to take back what he thought he was owed. Dean wanted to flog the shit out of him, for treating his mother like garbage, but Colby convinced him the creep wasn't worth it, and they let him go.

This was a horrible place, and he'd been kidding himself if he thought any good could come from it.

They headed back to the lounge room to settle in for the night. One more night here with Colby and then they could put a line under this part of their miserable lives, and just maybe get on with living the rest of them.

\---

As if either of them were gonna get any sleep. Colby rarely did at the best of times, and he could practically hear Dean thinking over there, tucked under a blanket, curled up at one end of an old couch.

Something had happened before, Colby had felt it, knew Dean must've felt it too.

"Dean...?"

"Yeah..." His voice came softly back through the darkness.

"I..." Colby didn't even really know what he wanted to say, maybe he'd just needed the reassurance that Dean was there. "Nothing."

God, this distance between them was so hard to take. But he would endure it, because he didn't want Dean to go through all this alone. Dean knew he was here if here if he needed him.

And then Dean's voice broke the silence, the sadness and resignation intensified through the darkness.

"You know what hurt the most?" For a second Colby felt like his heart actually stopped, then it leapt into a racing rhythm as he waited for Dean to go on. "You didn't care enough to check if I was dead. When we met up again you didn't even know I had to learn to walk all over again. You didn't know I went to jail. You didn't know anything."

It wasn't that he didn't care, it was that he couldn't let himself care. He couldn't have Dean and Bella. He'd made a choice, the wrong one, and because of it he'd lost them both.

"I just assumed you'd carried on with your plans. You still had Brax." He'd forced himself to believe that.

"Did you ever see me line up for the Saints?"

"I did everything I could to avoid footy after that."

"And as for Brax, he freaked out after Jai got killed and I got locked up and you disappeared off the face of the planet. He took Casey and ran away to Summer Bay for the nice life."

God, Brax had been someone they'd both known they could count on, but now he was finding out that he'd abandoned Dean too. Willow was a good friend, but there were things Brax might've been able to arrange for Dean that she couldn't. No wonder he had felt so lost.

Colby got up and went to Dean, needed to be able to see his face. He crouched down in front of him, just able to make out his features in the darkness.

What could he say? How did he even begin to fix this? All he could do was be honest.

"I am so sorry. I hate what I've done to you. I'd do anything I could to take it back, to make it right."

"If you'd come back for me, maybe it would be different, but you didn't. We just kinda fell back into all this."

Colby wanted to say 'but I did, it just didn't go exactly like I planned' but he didn't. As Dean looked down at him, so full of pain and hopelessness, Colby knew that words would never fix this. And he was done with excuses.

Dean reached down and cupped his cheek, wiping a tear away with his thumb. Colby hadn't even realised he was crying.

"I want you so much," Dean admitted. "But you tear me to pieces."

It was too much, he needed his safe place, and that had always been Dean.

Colby climbed onto the couch beside him, and Dean let him curl up under the blanket too. Right beside Dean, was the only place in the world he wanted to be, but he knew they were done. When morning came and they left this place, they would never be this close again.

Dean wrapped an arm around him and rested his cheek against Colby's hair.

"What do you reckon those kids would think of us now..."

It wasn't really a question, so Colby didn't answer. Ten years ago he never could've imagined they'd still be in Mangrove River, snuggled up together dreaming about impossible futures. Only back then, he wasn't the obstacle, and he knew it wasn't only Dean he'd let down. Back there was a kid that's heart would end up broken by no one's fault but his own. And if Colby could tell him anything, it would be that nothing was worth having without Dean, that no price was too high to pay to keep their bond intact.

But he couldn't go back, couldn't change the past, and it was time to stop tearing Dean up. Time to stop torturing them both.

He cuddled in tighter and savoured this moment, knowing it was the last chance he'd ever get to hold Dean close.


	19. Chapter 19

Colby tucked the form away in his desk drawer at the end of shift. He'd look at it again tomorrow.

Thinking about it all, he was suddenly feeling a bit sentimental.

"Wanna grab a beer?" he asked Murray who was also done for the day.

"Sure," the other cop agreed.

They got changed at the station, and headed to a nearby pub in Yabbie Creek.

Murray was a good bloke, through all the River Boy and tribunal stuff, he had stuck by Colby and that meant a lot.

They pulled up a couple of stools at the bar. Murray went for his wallet.

"Nah," Colby said. "My shout."

"Cheers."

He ordered a couple of Great Northerns.

"Can you believe that call today?" Murray said, shaking his head.

It had been a break and enter, the perp had pocket dialled emergency services and when no answer came, they'd been dispatched to check the authenticity of the call. They'd caught the idiot red-handed, an armful of loot and a sheepish look on his face.

"Some people have all the luck."

Technically the guy could do fourteen years in lock up for it, but that was pretty unlikely. Surely the judge would give him the minimum just for injecting a bit of humour into the courtroom.

"His face when he realised he'd called the cops on himself," Murray laughed.

Colby had to smile too.

It was easy hanging out with Murray. Because of his circumstances, as a teenager he'd avoided cops any way he could, but they were his people, he fitted in with them, especially blokes like Murray who saw shades of grey. He liked being part of the thin blue line, part of something bigger than himself, something that was meaningful. He had done some bad things in his life, but by being a cop he had done some good things too, and had hopefully made a difference to people's lives for the better.

So in the end he knew it wouldn't matter where he ended up, as long as he was part of this, with these people, he would still have something.

\---

He couldn't get what Dean had said out of his head. You tear me to pieces...

Things were clearer now, he was pretty sure he knew what he needed to do. It would be tough, but he was a survivor, he would manage.

It wouldn't be abandonment, it would be a tactical retreat. Decided with care, and he would tell Dean before he went, so Dean could be prepared. He'd make sure to tell Dean where he was going, so if he ever needed him he'd know where to find him.

He had a few loose ends to tie up, and currently he sat in Rena's office for what would be their last session.

"I'm thinking of applying for a transfer. I've got the papers, I just haven't filled them in yet."

He was stalling, he wanted to make sure he'd thought this through, but deep down he knew it was the best thing. While ever he and Dean stayed in the same spot, this pain wouldn't go away. For either of them.

"If that's what you want. But are you sure this isn't running away? Even if you go, you'll take your feelings with you."

"That's fine. I'm not too worried about me anymore."

She looked at him like McCarthy sometimes did when he was trying to figure out why Colby had made another dumb decision despite his capabilities. That was okay, he was used to being a disappointment at this stage.

"Colby, you've been doing so well. I know there have been setbacks, but we were making real progress here. Why the change of heart?"

"I can't keep doing this to Dean. It's too hard for him, being around me."

"What makes you think that?"

Colby sighed. He'd honestly had enough too. Holding onto hope in a hopeless situation was exhausting.

"He said so. He finally talked to me, told me what I thought I wanted to hear. And it did clear things up. I can't make amends for what I've done. And he can't be around someone he wants but can't trust."

"He told you that?"

"Yes."

"Don't you see what a huge step this is? It would be such a shame to give up when you've worked this hard and come so far. I want to see you well and happy. Both of you."

For a second it sounded like she believed in fairy tales. He hadn't taken her for a romantic, but then again, she had married her husband against the odds. Unfortunately, not everyone was so lucky.

"That's the thing though," he reminded. "We don't always get what we want."

"Colby..."

"I'm not really here for advice anymore. I just wanted to thank you. I know you've done everything you could for me, and if the situation wasn't so messed up, you might have had a win."

"Colby, please don't let it end like this. Schedule another appointment. At least think about coming to see me again."

He really did appreciate all that she'd tried to do for him. She had helped him keep his job, and she had also kept a huge secret for him which she hadn't had to do.

He gave her a sad smile.

"I think this is the part where we both have to let go."

He stood up. She did too, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder.

"I would have liked for things to work out for you," she told him. "You deserve more than you think you do. Please keep working on forgiving yourself, and when you move find someone to talk to there."

He wasn't sure about the etiquette here. Yes, she was getting paid to talk to him, but she also knew him maybe better than anyone. Well, he was never gonna see her again. He wrapped his arms around her for a quick hug.

"Thank you," he told her. "I'll try."

\---

Things were okay at home. Robbo had forgiven him pretty quick, it had been shock more than anything that caused him to react the way he did. Colby had explained, and Robbo got that he was struggling.

So, they were okay, but Colby could tell from that look in his eye that Robbo didn't quite trust him like he once had. Just another person he had betrayed.

He thought of Karen, throwing herself at him, and was ashamed that he had done the same thing to someone else. It wasn't a reason to go, but it was another reason not to stay.

"Do you know anyone who might be looking for a room?" Colby asked.

"Why?" Robbo said. "You going somewhere?"

"I'm thinking about it..."

Robbo gave him a frown.

"Not because of what happened..."

"No. I just think it's time I moved on."

He'd been in town less than a year, so the excuse was thin, but on the other hand so much had happened in that time.

"Where will you go?"

"Reckon I might leave that up to New South Wales Police."

"That's game. They'll probably send you out to the sticks if you let them."

"That's okay. Doesn't really matter where I end up."

"Hey," Robbo said, stepping closer, reaching out, gripping his arm and looking him in the eye. "I will be sorry to see you go. You had my back when no one else did."

That actually meant a lot.

"Well," Colby said with a smile. "Compared to some I've seen, you're just a big teddy bear."

"Don't go getting all gooey on me."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Robbo took a step back.

"You told your mates you're going?"

"Not yet. I'm meeting Willow later."

"And Dean?"

That was gonna be much tougher.

"I dunno..." He hadn't decided the best way to approach it yet. "I'll see what Willow reckons."

"You let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks mate."

\---

In a way it was giving up, after he had worked so hard, but what else could he do? He pulled his guilt out of its imaginary box, to take one last look before he made this decision final. He honestly didn't want to run away, but he didn't know how else to make things better for Dean.

He didn't know what to do with his feelings anymore. He had been over and over all the bad decisions he'd made, knew they were wrong. He couldn't make it go away, it was part of who he was now. He was a person who put himself first, who couldn't be trusted to help his friends, and Dean didn't need someone like that around.

Maybe one day he could come back, maybe when Dean had found someone else, and they could be mates then.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Willow.

"Hey, sorry I'm late. Robbo went into panic mode about some paperwork he hadn't lodged somewhere or other. Anyway, where do you wanna sit?"

"Outside." He grabbed his beer off the bar and they headed out onto the balcony. From here you could see the water and he didn't know how much longer he'd have the ocean nearby. If he ended up out west, there'd be nothing but red dirt.

They got a pizza to share, one with olives because Dean wasn't here to sook about it.

"How are you doing, Willow?" He didn't ask her that enough.

"Good," she smiled. "Life's pretty hectic, but I don't have to tell you that."

A lot of her time was taken up looking after him and Dean. By leaving, he'd be giving her a break too.

"I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I know it hasn't been easy on you either."

She knew him well enough to know something was up.

"This isn't a casual catch-up, is it?"

He shook his head.

"There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Okay. That doesn't sound good..."

He didn't want her to worry anymore.

"It might be. I mean, I hope it turns out to be."

"What is it?"

"I think I should get out of town. Move on. Leave Dean be for a while."

Judging by the look on her face, she didn't like it.

"Colby, no..."

"You know how hard it's been for us. You think I'm running away. But I won't go without talking to him."

"Actually, I'm thinking about you. What are you gonna do on your own? I'll go crazy worrying about you."

"I'll be fine. It's not like I haven't started over before."

She stopped and frowned at him.

"You need to stop blaming yourself."

"But it was my fault."

"But dwelling on it doesn't help anyone. You really think Dean's gonna feel any better just because you're not around anymore?"

"I've tried everything. I don't know what else to do."

If there was a way he could stay and be with Dean, obviously he would take it. But he didn't know what that could be, there were only so many ways he could say he was sorry.

She gave him a wide-eyed look. He knew she'd had an idea, but she seemed reluctant to share it.

"If you know something that might help, now is the time to tell me," he encouraged.

"It's something from GA. Something they say you need to do to get your life back on track."

"I'm listening..."

"It's drastic," Willow said. "But in the end it was the only thing that really made me feel like I'd turned things around."

Clearly, this was hard for her. He reached out and took her hand.

"It's okay."

She gave him a tight smile.

"I had to face up to what I'd done. Own it, and suffer the consequences..."

It took a second to sink in, but then he knew she was right. He had never really done that. He had always focused on Dean, and how he'd wronged him, but he had also broken the law. And Dean had taken all the blame. Telling Dean he was sorry wasn't enough, he had to show him.

"I gotta turn myself in..." he realised.

She squeezed his hand.

"Whatever happens, I think it might be the only way you can move on."

\---

Colby took a deep breath, marched into McCarthy's office and shut the door.

"Sarge, there's something I need to tell you."


	20. Chapter 20

He told McCarthy the whole pathetic story. About his stepdad and Bella, and the split-second decision to steal a car. About the accident and leaving Dean there alone.

The sergeant listened intently.

"You realise what you've done?"

"Yes."

He could see McCarthy trying to decide how to handle this. That was more consideration than he thought he'd get.

"Thompson was driving?"

"Yes. He was convicted of auto theft and dangerous driving occasioning death. But he was a minor, so the penalty wasn't as severe as it could have been."

"He's on a good behaviour bond, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"And he withheld information from a criminal investigation, concealed your crime essentially."

"Yes..."

"This admission could be bad for him."

Fuck, Colby hadn't even considered that. He'd been so determined to prove to Dean that he was the most important thing and now he'd gone and landed him right in it.

"What are you going to do?"

"Who else knows about this?"

"Just Dean," he lied, hoping to salvage something from this. He trusted Willow never to talk, but McCarthy would have no reason to.

"Thompson is attending his community service and he's doing an apprenticeship, isn't he?"

"Ah, yeah. He is," Colby confirmed, surprised that the sergeant knew that detail and honestly a little touched that he'd bothered to take notice.

"This is a serious matter. You've broken more than one law..."

"I know."

"However, it was a long time ago and I don't think punishing a man who has already been punished will achieve anything, especially not when he's working towards becoming a productive member of society."

Colby couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying this stays between us."

"You're not gonna report me?"

Colby didn't know what to think, he had fully expected to go to jail for this and had been willing to, to prove to Dean how he felt. As crazy as it was, he was almost disappointed, he wanted to pay for this, wanted Dean to know how sorry he was.

"No. I don't see what good it will do now. But you better believe, you put one toe out of line, and I will haul you over the coals myself. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Sarge. Thanks for looking out for Dean. It means a lot."

"I do believe in the fundamental goodness of people, I wouldn't do this job if I didn't. I'm trusting you, Thorne."

In that case, Colby owed him the whole truth. Now that he wasn't going to prison, there were possibilities.

"Then there's something else you need to know. And I know it's too much ask, but I'm gonna ask anyway."

The sergeant gave him a long-suffering look.

"I'm sure you will..."

There was no point beating around the bush, so Colby was just gonna come straight out with it.

"I love Dean, and I want to have a real shot with him. I thought when I walked in here today that I'd be going to prison and I was willing to do that to show him how important he is to me."

"Excuse me?"

"I know you didn't like the idea of me associating with him, but I can't deny how I feel. You said yourself that Dean's working to get his life on track."

McCarthy leaned forward and frowned.

"What I'm hearing is that you wanted to confess now, not because it was the right thing to do, but because you thought you'd get something out of it."

Colby went to argue but he realised the sergeant was right.

"I guess I did. I did a terrible thing. I hurt Dean and I understand how much now. Owning up to this is the only way I can forgive myself and move on with my life. At least try to be better."

Not that Dean would see that now. The thought of asking McCarthy to tell Dean that he'd confessed crossed Colby's mind, but he knew how selfish and out of line that was. The sergeant was right, he was still trying to manipulate the situation to achieve his own ends. If he honestly loved Dean, he needed to put Dean first. And that meant he needed to respect Dean's feelings and stop pushing. Just because he wanted to be with Dean, that didn't mean it was the best thing for him.

"Then do that. Walk out of this office, put the past behind you, and be the best police officer, and friend, you can be."

"I will," he promised, and he meant it. For the first time in his life, he was going to do the right thing.

\---

He knew he was harsh on Colby sometimes, but that was only because he worried about the kid, and because he knew he could be the best if he applied himself. McCarthy had been at the academy with Colby's old man, they'd always gotten along, and knowing that he'd been killed in the line of duty, well he felt a certain amount of responsibility towards his friend's son.

Of course he'd never told Colby that, didn't want him thinking he could have special treatment (not that he was afraid to ask anyway), but he did his best to look out for Colby and guide him in the right direction when he could.

There'd been mention of a transfer, and now this. He should have reported it straight away, but knowing what had happened to the kid after his father had died, and knowing what a struggle it must have been to drag himself up out of that upbringing, he didn't want to see his career ruined over one teenage mistake. Especially not when his motive was considered.

But to jeopardise everything he'd worked for, over the chance to show someone he loved them, well that person must be pretty special. And besides that, he didn't want Colby transferring to another LAC where he couldn't keep an eye on him.

McCarthy didn't like interfering in the lives of his officers, but this time he was going to make an exception. Because Colby wasn't just anyone, and as soft-hearted as it might be, McCarthy wanted him to be happy.

\---

"Thompson!"

It took Dean a second to recognise Colby's boss out of uniform.

"A word?" the police sergeant requested.

Dean tried not to freak out just yet, he couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong. But then he worried that something bad had happened.

"Is it Colby?"

The older cop relaxed a little, dropped the tough guy act.

"It usually is, isn't it?"

The friendlier tone surprised Dean. He didn't know this bloke, had only seen him at the station when he'd been hauled in and booked.

He waited warily for the sergeant to continue. He didn't wanna give too much away about how much time he and Colby spent together because he knew the cops didn't approve of their friendship.

"How has he been?"

"Umm..." Was this a trick question? An attempt to catch Colby out?

"I'm here in an unofficial capacity."

"Okay, I guess," Dean shrugged. Talking to the cops really went against his grain, not to mention this was super weird.

"I'm here because there's something I think you should know. Thorne is talking about a transfer. He's a good cop, I don't want to see him go. And I think the reason he's going is because of you."

"I didn't do anything," Dean automatically replied.

"I told you I'm not here as a cop. He told me how he feels about you."

Okay, that was the last thing on Earth Dean had expected. He almost wanted to look around for hidden cameras in case he was being punked. Then his brain caught up with what the sergeant had said.

"Did you say transfer?"

He couldn't believe Colby would abandon him again. Not after everything.

"He had a plan and it didn't work out. I don't really understand it all, but he said he knew how much he'd wronged you and he wanted to make it right."

Dean wondered how Colby had planned on doing that exactly. He had a bad feeling about this.

"He confessed. Told me about being involved with the stolen vehicle and the accident."

That statement left Dean reeling, he'd suffered alone all these years so Colby didn't have to, and now he was hearing it had all been for nothing.

"I'm not taking it any further. But I just thought you should know. Stay out of trouble and I won't stand in your way."

Was the police sergeant giving his blessing? Dean had no idea what to do with that.

"Well, I just thought you should know," the sergeant said again. Then he left Dean to it.

"Um, thanks," Dean called after him.

He stood there trying to process everything he'd just heard, but all he could register was his rising pulse and an insane urge to tell Colby off. He had to find the idiot right now and give him a piece of his mind.

\---

Colby was looking around the flat, thinking how sad it was that everything he owned would fit in two suitcases if he did decide to go, when Dean burst in looking all fired up.

He had no time to react before Dean had him backed up against the fridge yelling at him.

"How could you be so stupid?! You got away with it! All of it! And then you go and blab! I went to prison so you wouldn't have to!"

Dean's chest was heaving, his eyes were ablaze, and Colby didn't get a chance to defend himself before Dean was crushing their mouths together.

It was a desperate kiss, born of rage, frustration, pain and desire. Dean was being so rough that Colby tasted blood. But he didn't care, he'd waited so long for Dean to let go like this. He dropped his hands to Dean's hips and jerked him forward, but then Dean was pushing back, glaring up at him accusingly.

"You were gonna leave me! Again!"

"What? No..."

"Your boss told me! He said you're getting a transfer."

"No, I was only thinking about it. I thought it would be better for you. I wouldn't have left without talking to you..."

"When has being apart from you ever been better for me?! I love you! I always have! And you landing yourself in prison or moving away is the last thing I want."

_I love you..._

"You really mean that?"

"How can you be so smart and so dumb?! There's nothing without you!"

"I did it so you'd know you're more important than my job, or my freedom. I was wrong to walk away, you deserved so much better than that, and I understand now how much I hurt you. If you felt even half of what I have these last few months, it's been hell. You're what matters most. And you always should have been."

Dean was looking at him like he couldn't believe what was right here in front of his eyes, like he was really seeing him for the first time since they were kids.

"Let's draw a line in the sand here," Dean said. "Start again."

"No, it's important to remember where we've been. But know that I will never let you down ever again."

Dean was looking into his eyes, into his soul, it was...

"I believe you."

God, he'd waited a long time to hear that. And this time it was Colby that was crushing their mouths together, and Dean was kissing back, and the wall between them was finally crumbling. They did belong together, there could never be anyone else, and now, maybe, they could embrace this. Stop hiding how they felt, stop fighting it, and just be.

This path hadn't been an easy one, they had walked through hell to find each other again, but Colby would do it all over again if it meant they'd end up here.

"Say it again," he grinned against Dean's mouth.

Dean looked up at him, mischief in his eyes.

"I love you. Even if you do tell crap jokes and like olives on your pizza."

Colby laughed and pulled Dean closer. Yeah, they were gonna be alright.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue...

Dean stopped in his tracks, looking disappointedly at the flat water.

"We can't ride that," he pouted. "May as well go."

But it was such a beautiful morning, the sky glowing a soft pink, and they had the beach all to themselves. Colby didn't want to leave.

He sat his board aside and settled down in the sand to enjoy it for a minute.

"Let's stay," he said, stretching his hand out for Dean. Dean looked down at him, so beautiful with that morning light playing across his face.

"Alright," he allowed, smiling with his eyes, settling down between Colby's legs, so his back was against Colby's chest.

Colby pressed a kiss to Dean's shoulder, wrapped his arms around him and just enjoyed the fact that they were here together.

It was such a peaceful place, and he was sharing it with the person he loved most, and Colby knew beyond a doubt that he wanted to do this every day for the rest of his life.

He leaned forward, resting his mouth by Dean's ear to ask a question.

"Marry me?"

He felt Dean still, then he turned, a soft smile playing at the corner of his mouth. He was everything Colby wanted, and he was right here.

"Yeah, alright."

Colby smiled back, leaned in and caught Dean's mouth in a slow kiss. There was no need to rush, they had forever to do this now.

Their mouths parted, but they stayed close. Dean leaned back against him, trusting Colby to be his support and protection, and that meant everything.

"Bet it's gonna be choppy out there tomorrow," Dean sulked, looking at the water again.

"You don't know that," Colby said, pressing a kiss to Dean's temple and tightening his arms around him. The future was uncertain, except for one thing. "Whatever happens though, we can handle it together."


End file.
